People get sad when someone dies.
Some cry when a band breaks up,
A book series ending could be the end of the world to some.
A TV series,
A last embrace of a soldier before he's sent off,
Everything we know, cherish, and hope for comes to an end.
It is up to each and every one of us what we decide to do with the ending we are given.
Things didn't work out with JP,
I was always waiting, always wondering, hoping , wishing, looking up at the stars wishing he was there with me, kissing me, holding me.
I only got to see him once a month, if that. I don't want to tarnish is name at all, I truly care about him. But if he really wanted me, I mean as much as I wanted him. He would have made time for me, he would have proved to me that I was what he wanted.
We broke up before, that was very difficult, I was always wondering what would be happening to him, who he'd be with, how he was.
I finally gave in, wanting him back, needing him back. After our last talk a couple nights ago, i'm finally okay with letting him go.
I can't help but wonder what it would be like for us in the future, but all I know is that when we got back together, he didn't change for long. Always an arms length away.. I was tired of living a Half Life, which reminds me of( Half Life by Imogen Heap) look it up before continuing.
I took the end of the page to our story, feeling it crushing down on me, screaming at me to dwell on it, to linger on the last page and cry for all the time wasted or lost. I sat in my room and thought about all the lost things, all the darkness and emptiness that would follow, just when I thought it would consume me..
I turned the page.
Many people in life get to, what they think is the end of their story,
whether it be a death of a loved one,
Or a leap of faith into a lake,
Just when you think life is done with you when the darkness of the letter THE END are glaring at you, turn the page.
You'll find stories you never knew you had,
ones you could never even imagine.
Life is about taking chances, meeting people, laughing, making people laugh, hugging, kissing, mini-golfing, jumping from high places into a lake, midnight walks, late-night talks, morning coffee, frozen nitrogen yogurt (yeah..its real) . Live life every single day, be yourself, say things that are on your mind you wouldn't, have no regrets,
AND NEVER EVER Let the words THE END, Ever stop you from turning the page.
"Everything will be okay in the end, if its not okay... It's not the end"
Monday, November 14, 2011
Wednesday, November 2, 2011
Trying To Fix It
Everything seems out of my control,
Life swirls around me and I hold my breath, wait for the spinning to stop. For a moment hoping that I can get away from everything.
Voices.
People that I see, so many personal recordings in my head. A friend of mine told me tonight, that everytime he sees certain people, he thinks of a song.
Everyone has their own form of remembering people, a smell, a feeling, a song. Something that gets bound to that person.
I hear voices, memories, thoughts, laughter ideas, when I see someone I know I have a freeze-framed image, time and place of that person. It plays like a movie in my head, so fast you probably wouldn't be able to see. I wonder if that's normal.
What is normal? I've never seemed to make the cut, never strong enough, manly enough, feminine enough, talkative, too quiet, too shy, to brave, to flamboyant, not Gay enough.
Ever since I can remember, i've never fit in. I tried.
It seems that my way of thinking is far too different,
I'm always thinking, my mind is a fast-spinning machine.
Does he like me? Am I doing a good job? Why is that this way? Why does it happen like that? How long have they been together? Does she know how pretty she is? That shirt doesn't match, wonder if she knows.
There is always something is shooting around, but if you ask me what's on my mind, i'll draw a blank. Suddenly things go quiet, when it's time to redeem myself, from something stupid i've said or done before, and I screw it up.
I don't really fit in with the Gays,
I don't really fit in with the straight guys,
I don't really fit in with the girls,
I don't fit in with my family, most of the time
Where do I belong, the over-thinker. The one who is trying.
I've been told i'm different, that's a compliment, in a world of so much similarities, I like standing out the ways I do, its just frustrating.
I get so down sometimes, I literally feel like i'm suddenly in a small room and its filling with water.
It's getting higher, no door. All I can do is watching it fill in around me, burning me, filling past my mouth, screaming inside. Past my nose, stinging my nose, past my eyes, blurring them , I wait for it to consume me.
I feel hollow sometimes, I'll be standing at work, waiting for a text from a particular someone, waiting to matter again.
I feel like an empty shell, staring forward, stepping out of my body and looking around at my life for right now. Job that's not quite right, not quite challenging enough, when people talk to me I feel their voice echoing inside like the Tinman, hoping they don't hear.
I've lost so many of my friends, not being available enough, but when I am free, nothing goes on.
Timing seems to be working against me lately.
I work all day, come home. want to go out and nothing is happening, so I get ready for nothing, text around... nada..
but the day I've worked all day and I come \home and crash, I have texts inviting me to parties I can't go to because I work early, or I don't have a ride, or Gas.
I have to hope this is temporary.
Had a long talk with J.P.
I don't know why I ever complain about him, he is amazing. I just wish he had more time for me.
A simple text would put my mind at rest, I need to learn to trust people again. I want to move closer to him.. but i'm terrified.. what if I move and he still doesn't have time for me... What would I do then?
If I start school here then i'm still far away, away from his touch.
Haven't seen him in a month, the distance helps me to think of just ending things..but I tried that.. But I dreamt about him, I dreamt I was running, I would see his face everywhere, Every song was him. Every glance from a stranger, or the sunset. He was the stars, missing him is so hard. Missing every part of him...
My mind starts a frenzied storm when I think to much about him, wondering what he's up to. Wondering why i'm not important enough to make a trip down for lunch with, or call just because he wanted to hear my voice.
My mind is this locked vault, It makes me dizzy all the things I think about,
Blogging helps so much, helping me pour out a little of me, its so risky.. Letting people into your head should never be easy, typing this, letting my fingers tip tap at the keys, spelling out my thoughts isn't easy..
I know things will get better,
Things are okay, and sure I wonder about JP, but for now..I'm his. I just wish he would let me know how much he cares, i've tried to talk to him, we see affection on different levels.
I just want to be loved, to be missed, wanted, cared for , and treated right..
Phew.. I am tired..
Thank you for reading, it means alot.
-nick
Life swirls around me and I hold my breath, wait for the spinning to stop. For a moment hoping that I can get away from everything.
Voices.
People that I see, so many personal recordings in my head. A friend of mine told me tonight, that everytime he sees certain people, he thinks of a song.
Everyone has their own form of remembering people, a smell, a feeling, a song. Something that gets bound to that person.
I hear voices, memories, thoughts, laughter ideas, when I see someone I know I have a freeze-framed image, time and place of that person. It plays like a movie in my head, so fast you probably wouldn't be able to see. I wonder if that's normal.
What is normal? I've never seemed to make the cut, never strong enough, manly enough, feminine enough, talkative, too quiet, too shy, to brave, to flamboyant, not Gay enough.
Ever since I can remember, i've never fit in. I tried.
It seems that my way of thinking is far too different,
I'm always thinking, my mind is a fast-spinning machine.
Does he like me? Am I doing a good job? Why is that this way? Why does it happen like that? How long have they been together? Does she know how pretty she is? That shirt doesn't match, wonder if she knows.
There is always something is shooting around, but if you ask me what's on my mind, i'll draw a blank. Suddenly things go quiet, when it's time to redeem myself, from something stupid i've said or done before, and I screw it up.
I don't really fit in with the Gays,
I don't really fit in with the straight guys,
I don't really fit in with the girls,
I don't fit in with my family, most of the time
Where do I belong, the over-thinker. The one who is trying.
I've been told i'm different, that's a compliment, in a world of so much similarities, I like standing out the ways I do, its just frustrating.
I get so down sometimes, I literally feel like i'm suddenly in a small room and its filling with water.
It's getting higher, no door. All I can do is watching it fill in around me, burning me, filling past my mouth, screaming inside. Past my nose, stinging my nose, past my eyes, blurring them , I wait for it to consume me.
I feel hollow sometimes, I'll be standing at work, waiting for a text from a particular someone, waiting to matter again.
I feel like an empty shell, staring forward, stepping out of my body and looking around at my life for right now. Job that's not quite right, not quite challenging enough, when people talk to me I feel their voice echoing inside like the Tinman, hoping they don't hear.
I've lost so many of my friends, not being available enough, but when I am free, nothing goes on.
Timing seems to be working against me lately.
I work all day, come home. want to go out and nothing is happening, so I get ready for nothing, text around... nada..
but the day I've worked all day and I come \home and crash, I have texts inviting me to parties I can't go to because I work early, or I don't have a ride, or Gas.
I have to hope this is temporary.
Had a long talk with J.P.
I don't know why I ever complain about him, he is amazing. I just wish he had more time for me.
A simple text would put my mind at rest, I need to learn to trust people again. I want to move closer to him.. but i'm terrified.. what if I move and he still doesn't have time for me... What would I do then?
If I start school here then i'm still far away, away from his touch.
Haven't seen him in a month, the distance helps me to think of just ending things..but I tried that.. But I dreamt about him, I dreamt I was running, I would see his face everywhere, Every song was him. Every glance from a stranger, or the sunset. He was the stars, missing him is so hard. Missing every part of him...
My mind starts a frenzied storm when I think to much about him, wondering what he's up to. Wondering why i'm not important enough to make a trip down for lunch with, or call just because he wanted to hear my voice.
My mind is this locked vault, It makes me dizzy all the things I think about,
Blogging helps so much, helping me pour out a little of me, its so risky.. Letting people into your head should never be easy, typing this, letting my fingers tip tap at the keys, spelling out my thoughts isn't easy..
I know things will get better,
Things are okay, and sure I wonder about JP, but for now..I'm his. I just wish he would let me know how much he cares, i've tried to talk to him, we see affection on different levels.
I just want to be loved, to be missed, wanted, cared for , and treated right..
Phew.. I am tired..
Thank you for reading, it means alot.
-nick
Wednesday, October 26, 2011
What Will Make The Cut
I've written several posts now.. and every single time I go to press publish I erase it.
It seems too personal
'ƃuoɹʍ sləəɟ əɟıl ʎɯ
əpısdn uʍop puɐ spɹɐʍʞɔɐq ...
I feel lost, my words seem to be stuck.. lost inside
It seems too personal
'ƃuoɹʍ sləəɟ əɟıl ʎɯ
əpısdn uʍop puɐ spɹɐʍʞɔɐq ...
I feel lost, my words seem to be stuck.. lost inside
Wednesday, September 21, 2011
Dream Escape 2
My head is vibrating, my brain is like a humming bird shaking in my head. Impossible. My eye's stare straight ahead at the road,
I'm taking my brother to school and I drop him off no problem, there is a ton of construction and signs everywhere.
I need to get home.
There is two ways, the construction or a tunnel leading the long way into town, I don't remember it.
I get home, i'm in a hurry.. my sister is there she looks frazziled and rushed. She needs to get to school, she's late.
"The chain chaaaaain" I hear something about chains being sung from far away, I look outside and a group of men connected by barbed wire walk in unison down the street in front of my house, they are looking for something.
The barbed wire and chains that hold them together stretch loosely so they can move freely, even get several yard in front of eachother without a problem.
Something hits the door and there is screaming, me and my sister get into the car parked in the garage and open it.
"We will be safe at my school, they can't go there" My sister screams, still in her pajamas. She's sobbing and talking so fast she's not making sense. So we drive.
The roads are impossible , the radio cuts in and out "Hearing the cling clang of the chaaaain" and I look in the rear view mirror, they are moving at impossible speeds, weaving in and out of cars, slicing through bushes.
We take a turn and we head towards the tunnel its narrow and there is a bus crashed in the wall at the end, its covered in slices and has been sawed off.
"I have to tell you something I was talking about with Lindsay (our cousin)" She wipes her nose with a tissue and she sobs into it...
She started shouting and not making sense, I tried to calm her down and I parked behind the bus. I got out quickly and judged the space left between the bus and the road, no luck. I walked between the bus and tried to open the door, to see if I could drive it closer to the wall, if it still worked.
My sister got out and ran through the space of the bus and to the other side of the tunnel, a song came on from the bus,
"The cling and the clang of the chain, better watch it , Better look... the chain chaaaaaaiiiin" Always holding out the last word, giving me goosebumps. Crashing came from the opening of the tunnel, they were coming, and they had guns. A bullet hit into the window of my car, I looked around and my sister had ran to the full other side of the tunnel. I quickly followed my sister, not wanting to shout to draw the attention.
My eyes widened when I saw the destruction. Slashes and piled up cars blocked the road, I grabbed my sister who was screaming, trying to calm her down. What did she know, what happend...
The Chain group fire another shot and it barely misses, they are slicing up things trying to get to us. Another family is running out of the bus, I hadn't even seen them... The Chains surround them and as bad as it sounds, we use the distraction to get back to my car.
I've never backed up that fast before, We drive back through the construction, we get out and run to my brothers school.
Its different.
Its broken and damaged, the door is rusted and falling off. My sister runs off and before I can stop her she is running up the stairs, looking for a safe place.
There is a group of kids, they all dressed in clothes far too old for 2011. A girl smiled evilly at me, her sneer made me take a turn and run down the hallway, the 5 of them chased after me laughing.
"Your not safe" one said, she was wearing a short blue dress and her hair in an 80's up do.
They all cackled.
"They are coming for you, Mr."
"Ya hear that?"
"Time to go, I hear the cling clang of the chaaaaaaaain"
"Razor sharp and strong, chain chain chaaaain"
They sung at once, the harmony of it chilled every part of me..
I ran down the hallway into the classroom, they didn't follow all I could hear was the sickly sound of cutting metal , it screamed and moaned, or maybe it was people..screaming..
I got under a desk and I shut my eyes, this couldn't be happening...
The sound of chains got closer, then silence
I was afraid to look.
I felt a strong tap on my back, *tap tap* *tap tap* "Nick, come on its time to go get your sister she's at the school"
I sat up startled,
"Mom?" I looked around and I was on the couch, I had just fallen asleep for a second... She was just hear, I heard her, I felt her tapping on my back.
I pick up my phone and call her, sure that she is just hiding to scare me, but she answers and she's not even home...
I've been having weird dreams lately, the weird ones are usually day dreams,
It might not be scary to the reader but it was pretty scary for me..
-nick
I'm taking my brother to school and I drop him off no problem, there is a ton of construction and signs everywhere.
I need to get home.
There is two ways, the construction or a tunnel leading the long way into town, I don't remember it.
I get home, i'm in a hurry.. my sister is there she looks frazziled and rushed. She needs to get to school, she's late.
"The chain chaaaaain" I hear something about chains being sung from far away, I look outside and a group of men connected by barbed wire walk in unison down the street in front of my house, they are looking for something.
The barbed wire and chains that hold them together stretch loosely so they can move freely, even get several yard in front of eachother without a problem.
Something hits the door and there is screaming, me and my sister get into the car parked in the garage and open it.
"We will be safe at my school, they can't go there" My sister screams, still in her pajamas. She's sobbing and talking so fast she's not making sense. So we drive.
The roads are impossible , the radio cuts in and out "Hearing the cling clang of the chaaaain" and I look in the rear view mirror, they are moving at impossible speeds, weaving in and out of cars, slicing through bushes.
We take a turn and we head towards the tunnel its narrow and there is a bus crashed in the wall at the end, its covered in slices and has been sawed off.
"I have to tell you something I was talking about with Lindsay (our cousin)" She wipes her nose with a tissue and she sobs into it...
She started shouting and not making sense, I tried to calm her down and I parked behind the bus. I got out quickly and judged the space left between the bus and the road, no luck. I walked between the bus and tried to open the door, to see if I could drive it closer to the wall, if it still worked.
My sister got out and ran through the space of the bus and to the other side of the tunnel, a song came on from the bus,
"The cling and the clang of the chain, better watch it , Better look... the chain chaaaaaaiiiin" Always holding out the last word, giving me goosebumps. Crashing came from the opening of the tunnel, they were coming, and they had guns. A bullet hit into the window of my car, I looked around and my sister had ran to the full other side of the tunnel. I quickly followed my sister, not wanting to shout to draw the attention.
My eyes widened when I saw the destruction. Slashes and piled up cars blocked the road, I grabbed my sister who was screaming, trying to calm her down. What did she know, what happend...
The Chain group fire another shot and it barely misses, they are slicing up things trying to get to us. Another family is running out of the bus, I hadn't even seen them... The Chains surround them and as bad as it sounds, we use the distraction to get back to my car.
I've never backed up that fast before, We drive back through the construction, we get out and run to my brothers school.
Its different.
Its broken and damaged, the door is rusted and falling off. My sister runs off and before I can stop her she is running up the stairs, looking for a safe place.
There is a group of kids, they all dressed in clothes far too old for 2011. A girl smiled evilly at me, her sneer made me take a turn and run down the hallway, the 5 of them chased after me laughing.
"Your not safe" one said, she was wearing a short blue dress and her hair in an 80's up do.
They all cackled.
"They are coming for you, Mr."
"Ya hear that?"
"Time to go, I hear the cling clang of the chaaaaaaaain"
"Razor sharp and strong, chain chain chaaaain"
They sung at once, the harmony of it chilled every part of me..
I ran down the hallway into the classroom, they didn't follow all I could hear was the sickly sound of cutting metal , it screamed and moaned, or maybe it was people..screaming..
I got under a desk and I shut my eyes, this couldn't be happening...
The sound of chains got closer, then silence
I was afraid to look.
I felt a strong tap on my back, *tap tap* *tap tap* "Nick, come on its time to go get your sister she's at the school"
I sat up startled,
"Mom?" I looked around and I was on the couch, I had just fallen asleep for a second... She was just hear, I heard her, I felt her tapping on my back.
I pick up my phone and call her, sure that she is just hiding to scare me, but she answers and she's not even home...
I've been having weird dreams lately, the weird ones are usually day dreams,
It might not be scary to the reader but it was pretty scary for me..
-nick
Friday, September 16, 2011
Dream Escape
I'm falling.
I'm in a house.. A woman is there, and there's a man there, I'm moving, i'm rushing.
Pots and boxes everywhere... Where is my stuff, this isn't mine.. I need to get out.
The Man and Woman are yelling at a little baby, and I am wanting to look away, or help.. but I can't. The baby is sitting in a kiddie pool staring at them, not even old enough to understand.. He isn't upset, he is just staring and taking the verbal beating..
I rush upstairs and the room is familiar but I've never been, its big and white, boxes packed and pretty. I run into the bathroom and I think to myself "If all this clutter could be moved away"
So I open a door in the floor, and I shove everything in and it falls down, I feel rid of it at last.
But I glance down and there is a whole different room, so I jump down. Its so bright my eyes hurt and I look down at the toxic pool.. I see my things floating in it, and I wonder where I am.
I reach into the pool to get a piece of floating debris, a hand reaches up and tightly grips my wrist.. I jump and scramble back to the wall, I close my eyes and I open quickly, trying to escape. There is a woman, shes beautiful, long hair. She's a mermaid and she looks me up and down and smiles... "Can you help me clean this up?" she asks sweetly..
I feel bad for mucking up her place, I stand up and close my eyes.. I can clean this up easily.. and just like that I pick up the pool from the corner and a sheet of the toxic trash lifts up, revealing the water.. its purple and blue, swirled with all different colors.. I hold the muck and debate where to throw it.. She stands up , she sprouts legs and she walks over to the wall and opens a door.. The room darkens as a shadow of the ocean fills the door, perfectly cut out of the wall...
The water swells and hits the door where the invisible wall is the only thing from keeping it from crashing through the door...
"Will it be okay out there?"
"Who cares its not in here!" She giggles and takes it from me and throws it into the door... There is a sickly sound and I gasp as the bubble is broken and water is crashing through...
I scream as the black water shoots through the door...
And then I wake up.... The dream clings to the back of my eyes, The dark hue of the room feels like the blackness all over me.. I try to remember it but its leaving, I pull up my laptop and open up a random program.. spilling out anything I can before its gone... I'm good at triggers, I write things down the triggers things later..
Theres a woman, fish tail
Water is beautiful,
what have I done
who is the baby in the pool,
can I help
Packing moving
getting rid of something only to get it back later
There's a glimpse into what I dream about, it can be random, or emotional.. It can be meaningful or it can be some stupid thing like waiting in line for something all night..
I never know but I crave to dream, to escape.. to close my eyes and go to worlds I wouldn't see in the real world.. The real world is a lovely place.. but I wouldn't want to live there..
-nick
I'm in a house.. A woman is there, and there's a man there, I'm moving, i'm rushing.
Pots and boxes everywhere... Where is my stuff, this isn't mine.. I need to get out.
The Man and Woman are yelling at a little baby, and I am wanting to look away, or help.. but I can't. The baby is sitting in a kiddie pool staring at them, not even old enough to understand.. He isn't upset, he is just staring and taking the verbal beating..
I rush upstairs and the room is familiar but I've never been, its big and white, boxes packed and pretty. I run into the bathroom and I think to myself "If all this clutter could be moved away"
So I open a door in the floor, and I shove everything in and it falls down, I feel rid of it at last.
But I glance down and there is a whole different room, so I jump down. Its so bright my eyes hurt and I look down at the toxic pool.. I see my things floating in it, and I wonder where I am.
I reach into the pool to get a piece of floating debris, a hand reaches up and tightly grips my wrist.. I jump and scramble back to the wall, I close my eyes and I open quickly, trying to escape. There is a woman, shes beautiful, long hair. She's a mermaid and she looks me up and down and smiles... "Can you help me clean this up?" she asks sweetly..
I feel bad for mucking up her place, I stand up and close my eyes.. I can clean this up easily.. and just like that I pick up the pool from the corner and a sheet of the toxic trash lifts up, revealing the water.. its purple and blue, swirled with all different colors.. I hold the muck and debate where to throw it.. She stands up , she sprouts legs and she walks over to the wall and opens a door.. The room darkens as a shadow of the ocean fills the door, perfectly cut out of the wall...
The water swells and hits the door where the invisible wall is the only thing from keeping it from crashing through the door...
"Will it be okay out there?"
"Who cares its not in here!" She giggles and takes it from me and throws it into the door... There is a sickly sound and I gasp as the bubble is broken and water is crashing through...
I scream as the black water shoots through the door...
And then I wake up.... The dream clings to the back of my eyes, The dark hue of the room feels like the blackness all over me.. I try to remember it but its leaving, I pull up my laptop and open up a random program.. spilling out anything I can before its gone... I'm good at triggers, I write things down the triggers things later..
Theres a woman, fish tail
Water is beautiful,
what have I done
who is the baby in the pool,
can I help
Packing moving
getting rid of something only to get it back later
There's a glimpse into what I dream about, it can be random, or emotional.. It can be meaningful or it can be some stupid thing like waiting in line for something all night..
I never know but I crave to dream, to escape.. to close my eyes and go to worlds I wouldn't see in the real world.. The real world is a lovely place.. but I wouldn't want to live there..
-nick
Moving On
The last couple of weeks have been HELL
I don't really want to have a loooong whine fest about how I lost the apartment...
I got a roomie named Faith who was a bitch and a whole bunch of stuff happened, I got threatened and called faggot by her boyfriend's scary jail-friends. .and a bunch of other stuff happened that if you want to know detail just ask me..
We all got evicted, and I'm hoping my Landlord can re-rent the apartment so I don't owe her money each month, because technically I am still under contract... it really sucks.. So i'm stressed about money..
I moved back home, things are slightly better but not by much..
I can't stay here for more then a couple months..i'll die...
But I still have J.P. I am so in love with him!
I still screw up from time to time and I just home he knows How much I care about him...
Stressed about work.. but that's okay things will work out..
Just thought i'd give a shout out, i'm still fighting in life!
I'll post a longer post later...
Night!
I don't really want to have a loooong whine fest about how I lost the apartment...
I got a roomie named Faith who was a bitch and a whole bunch of stuff happened, I got threatened and called faggot by her boyfriend's scary jail-friends. .and a bunch of other stuff happened that if you want to know detail just ask me..
We all got evicted, and I'm hoping my Landlord can re-rent the apartment so I don't owe her money each month, because technically I am still under contract... it really sucks.. So i'm stressed about money..
I moved back home, things are slightly better but not by much..
I can't stay here for more then a couple months..i'll die...
But I still have J.P. I am so in love with him!
I still screw up from time to time and I just home he knows How much I care about him...
Stressed about work.. but that's okay things will work out..
Just thought i'd give a shout out, i'm still fighting in life!
I'll post a longer post later...
Night!
Sunday, September 4, 2011
Entertainment
Not sure why the title is what it is, maybe its because it was on my mind tonight.
I got off early from work and I was determined to have a good time tonight,
so I facebooked, texted and called friends to make plans.
Well as luck would have it, or I should say MY luck, no parties tonight.
Nothing newsworthy and exciting, then my phone rings and my old roomie/friend was calling, Dal.
I have blogged about him, in short, he was my roomate. Very negative at times, rude most of the time, stubborn and one of the funniest people I know.
When he first moved in he was nice, but distant. He would do his thing and the more I hung out with him, the more I liked him, which is dumb.. falling for a roomate, I knew this at the time.. But he was just so different.. almost.. broken even. And I wanted to help fix him, because behind all the snide comments or jokes there was someone who had been hurt a billion times, both by family and friends.
He pushed me away a lot, and sometimes he would randomly open up and we would talk, he is brutally honest, and I needed it.. However, some of the things he told me really upset me, apparently (since talking to him tonight) I haven't changed much.
I have this thing where if i'm hanging out with someone, i never know if they are bored and want to leave.. I've done it, ive been hanging out with someone and I think of ways I could leave, its rude,I know this but you can only take so much of certain people.
Anyway he told me I was a pushover, that I let people walk all over me, which kinda hurt because I am just a nice person, I admit, being too nice sometimes is bad because there are people who take advantage of that..and I've never been a person who looks for fights and fights back,
I just think things can be handled different ways, so hearing that kind of stung.. anyway, he taught me never to be sorry about anything, and the entire time I lived there I stopped saying sorry, it was like he was training me to be like him, which sometimes, he is awesome, he never takes crap from anyone , everyone likes him, but then again he has this thick shell.
You have to be hanging out with him, coaxing him to let his wall down, for him to actually show you who he is, and that is why I liked him so much, because on those rare occasions where I got to see the real Dal, I like it, I liked him. Well it didnt work out, I'd always be down when we were drunk.. and there were a couple things he said that hurt, that I am not sure he knew how much it did..
Either way, he moved out monthes and monthes ago, but hanging out tonight was just fun because I missed the good old times, the fun stuff we used to do, all his funny comments on movies or shows we were watching.. Back then he knew that I like him, and just ignored it, but after I got over him all those months ago, its actually fun hanging out with him, flirting it up and just the playfulness of it.
I've read his blog, its sad.. He seems like a very sad person, though he doesn't show it often..
I'm not down on myself ALL the time, i've actually gotten really good lately on not being so hard on myself over things, I've grown up in the couple monthes.. It seems with every roomie I learn a lesson, or experience a whole different type of person..
It just sucks working and trying to survive in life when I have roomates who are bored, or sleep all day or who start random drama at their work... I wish I could find nice roomates again, I've given up home.. Ive had at least 10 people in and out of my apartment, ranging from Gay, straight, girls, guys, drinkers, partiers, you name it..
I miss waking up and feeling like I was waking up to my own little family, where Brit or Kayli would be making breakfast, or Dal making oatmeal at a insane time in the morning before work. Coming home to Ken trying to put water in the fish tank, SOAKED with water because he cant figure the filter out. Watching movies with Alex, his crazy-ass comedies, quoting things with Kamika and staying up laughing our asses off talking, I have learned to stop trusting people so easily.. Like the roomate I have living with me now.. she is a drama causer, she is bad news..
Anyways, seeing Dal again brought up all the good times, and I really can't wait to hang out more,
me and J.P. are still doing great, though he's been distant due to family visiting and working... I still Love him, want him and need him.. But I hate the days where we barely talk, or he barely has time to text or video chat... he seems to be fine not talking for days but it drives in crazy.
I hope he knows how much I care about him, because I do. Sometime when we talk I just blank and I ahve nothing to say, then we hang up and I remember I wanted to ask him all these questions, or something to make him laugh.
Or I have something I really need to talk about and hes busy, then he calls and says "Im all yours"
and I blank again, I just hope he knows im not some bimbo.. Im not the smartest guy out there but I can have my moments of intelligence.
Oh and about the pushover thing I am pretty sure that I am getting better at standing up for myself, becaues i've learned that sometimes no one will be there to help you, and you have to rely on YOu and only you.. or... your screwed..
Well I will have to re edit this later because im tired.. I work early.. just wanted to get my thoughts down...
Thanks for checking up
-nick
I got off early from work and I was determined to have a good time tonight,
so I facebooked, texted and called friends to make plans.
Well as luck would have it, or I should say MY luck, no parties tonight.
Nothing newsworthy and exciting, then my phone rings and my old roomie/friend was calling, Dal.
I have blogged about him, in short, he was my roomate. Very negative at times, rude most of the time, stubborn and one of the funniest people I know.
When he first moved in he was nice, but distant. He would do his thing and the more I hung out with him, the more I liked him, which is dumb.. falling for a roomate, I knew this at the time.. But he was just so different.. almost.. broken even. And I wanted to help fix him, because behind all the snide comments or jokes there was someone who had been hurt a billion times, both by family and friends.
He pushed me away a lot, and sometimes he would randomly open up and we would talk, he is brutally honest, and I needed it.. However, some of the things he told me really upset me, apparently (since talking to him tonight) I haven't changed much.
I have this thing where if i'm hanging out with someone, i never know if they are bored and want to leave.. I've done it, ive been hanging out with someone and I think of ways I could leave, its rude,I know this but you can only take so much of certain people.
Anyway he told me I was a pushover, that I let people walk all over me, which kinda hurt because I am just a nice person, I admit, being too nice sometimes is bad because there are people who take advantage of that..and I've never been a person who looks for fights and fights back,
I just think things can be handled different ways, so hearing that kind of stung.. anyway, he taught me never to be sorry about anything, and the entire time I lived there I stopped saying sorry, it was like he was training me to be like him, which sometimes, he is awesome, he never takes crap from anyone , everyone likes him, but then again he has this thick shell.
You have to be hanging out with him, coaxing him to let his wall down, for him to actually show you who he is, and that is why I liked him so much, because on those rare occasions where I got to see the real Dal, I like it, I liked him. Well it didnt work out, I'd always be down when we were drunk.. and there were a couple things he said that hurt, that I am not sure he knew how much it did..
Either way, he moved out monthes and monthes ago, but hanging out tonight was just fun because I missed the good old times, the fun stuff we used to do, all his funny comments on movies or shows we were watching.. Back then he knew that I like him, and just ignored it, but after I got over him all those months ago, its actually fun hanging out with him, flirting it up and just the playfulness of it.
I've read his blog, its sad.. He seems like a very sad person, though he doesn't show it often..
I'm not down on myself ALL the time, i've actually gotten really good lately on not being so hard on myself over things, I've grown up in the couple monthes.. It seems with every roomie I learn a lesson, or experience a whole different type of person..
It just sucks working and trying to survive in life when I have roomates who are bored, or sleep all day or who start random drama at their work... I wish I could find nice roomates again, I've given up home.. Ive had at least 10 people in and out of my apartment, ranging from Gay, straight, girls, guys, drinkers, partiers, you name it..
I miss waking up and feeling like I was waking up to my own little family, where Brit or Kayli would be making breakfast, or Dal making oatmeal at a insane time in the morning before work. Coming home to Ken trying to put water in the fish tank, SOAKED with water because he cant figure the filter out. Watching movies with Alex, his crazy-ass comedies, quoting things with Kamika and staying up laughing our asses off talking, I have learned to stop trusting people so easily.. Like the roomate I have living with me now.. she is a drama causer, she is bad news..
Anyways, seeing Dal again brought up all the good times, and I really can't wait to hang out more,
me and J.P. are still doing great, though he's been distant due to family visiting and working... I still Love him, want him and need him.. But I hate the days where we barely talk, or he barely has time to text or video chat... he seems to be fine not talking for days but it drives in crazy.
I hope he knows how much I care about him, because I do. Sometime when we talk I just blank and I ahve nothing to say, then we hang up and I remember I wanted to ask him all these questions, or something to make him laugh.
Or I have something I really need to talk about and hes busy, then he calls and says "Im all yours"
and I blank again, I just hope he knows im not some bimbo.. Im not the smartest guy out there but I can have my moments of intelligence.
Oh and about the pushover thing I am pretty sure that I am getting better at standing up for myself, becaues i've learned that sometimes no one will be there to help you, and you have to rely on YOu and only you.. or... your screwed..
Well I will have to re edit this later because im tired.. I work early.. just wanted to get my thoughts down...
Thanks for checking up
-nick
Tuesday, August 23, 2011
The Escape
Hello,
This is a topic that i've wanted to talk about for a while.
It may sound a bit silly but I really want to convey what I'm feeling about this certain subject.
Escape.
A technique that is used in SuckerPunch,
I've just realized that I haven't blogged about that movie.. Which is a shame because it IS BEAUTIFUL!
I want to talk about it but I don't want to ruin it for anyone who hasn't seen it.. Ha! Who am I kidding, the people who read my blog.. The whole 4 have probably already seen it.. ah well..
I just loved it because it basically tells you, If you dont like the situation that your in, or you just need to get away from the pain, sorrow or boredom...Simply escape through your mind
Gather your courage, your will , the drive to get someone you want all these things are stronger then a sword or a gun. Courage lasts, it courses through you, it can become you until all that's left is a strong-willed unstoppable person.
Though its just a movie I use the Escape technique often, and to my surprise it works.
I've always had an overactive imagination, I day-dreamed all day in school, and in church when I was little. When I didn't like what was going on, I could fill the world I was seeing with scenarios,
The floor could open up and led to strange places, or the chalk board would slide down and I'd climb through to a place far away from where I started.
Growing up, going through high school, it stuck with me... but not so childish.. I don't want you to think of me as some spacey guy, some weirdo always staring at the ceiling and looking lost..
I have found I can leave whenever I want, I have just recently tried it at the gym. I was on the elliptical and I was only 5 minutes in... I closed my eyes, and the movie that was playing.. I think it was 50 First Dates.. faded.. the machine whir slowed and I was alone.
I was running through fields, dangerously fast, running jumping. Never tiring, Never slowing, Finding lost things, basically running through the landscape of my mind. Imagining this maze that is ever growing,
I open my eyes and the sweat stings them, the number on the machine says 60 minutes. I'm not tired, but I step off and i'm still running, not sure if its in my head but its hard to walk slow.
I feel great, I open the door and leave the darkened room and journey to the machines, wishing and craving the feeling of slipping away, creating Mundane into Magnificent.
The mind is a very powerful thing,
Try changing your world, open secret passageways in the office when your watching the clock tick away.
Turn your shopping cart into a Mario Kart speedway, and surf through the store.
Some people say that dwelling in your imagination is an unheathly place, because your never apart of the normal world..
But I see it as making life more exciting, dealing with what you've been given and making the best of it.
Me and J.P. are doing great.
I am done messing around with other guys, as hard as it might be.. He Loves me.. I owe it to him to give him my all.
Close your eyes, find your Escape and leave the boring behind.. ...DO IT!
:)
This is a topic that i've wanted to talk about for a while.
It may sound a bit silly but I really want to convey what I'm feeling about this certain subject.
Escape.
A technique that is used in SuckerPunch,
I've just realized that I haven't blogged about that movie.. Which is a shame because it IS BEAUTIFUL!
I want to talk about it but I don't want to ruin it for anyone who hasn't seen it.. Ha! Who am I kidding, the people who read my blog.. The whole 4 have probably already seen it.. ah well..
I just loved it because it basically tells you, If you dont like the situation that your in, or you just need to get away from the pain, sorrow or boredom...Simply escape through your mind
Gather your courage, your will , the drive to get someone you want all these things are stronger then a sword or a gun. Courage lasts, it courses through you, it can become you until all that's left is a strong-willed unstoppable person.
Though its just a movie I use the Escape technique often, and to my surprise it works.
I've always had an overactive imagination, I day-dreamed all day in school, and in church when I was little. When I didn't like what was going on, I could fill the world I was seeing with scenarios,
The floor could open up and led to strange places, or the chalk board would slide down and I'd climb through to a place far away from where I started.
Growing up, going through high school, it stuck with me... but not so childish.. I don't want you to think of me as some spacey guy, some weirdo always staring at the ceiling and looking lost..
I have found I can leave whenever I want, I have just recently tried it at the gym. I was on the elliptical and I was only 5 minutes in... I closed my eyes, and the movie that was playing.. I think it was 50 First Dates.. faded.. the machine whir slowed and I was alone.
I was running through fields, dangerously fast, running jumping. Never tiring, Never slowing, Finding lost things, basically running through the landscape of my mind. Imagining this maze that is ever growing,
I open my eyes and the sweat stings them, the number on the machine says 60 minutes. I'm not tired, but I step off and i'm still running, not sure if its in my head but its hard to walk slow.
I feel great, I open the door and leave the darkened room and journey to the machines, wishing and craving the feeling of slipping away, creating Mundane into Magnificent.
The mind is a very powerful thing,
Try changing your world, open secret passageways in the office when your watching the clock tick away.
Turn your shopping cart into a Mario Kart speedway, and surf through the store.
Some people say that dwelling in your imagination is an unheathly place, because your never apart of the normal world..
But I see it as making life more exciting, dealing with what you've been given and making the best of it.
Me and J.P. are doing great.
I am done messing around with other guys, as hard as it might be.. He Loves me.. I owe it to him to give him my all.
Close your eyes, find your Escape and leave the boring behind.. ...DO IT!
:)
Sunday, August 7, 2011
Life Is
I've been thinking the past couple of days,
Life is messy
Life is sucky
Life is unfair at times
Life is unnoticed by the people who need to see it,
Life is hard for some
Life is easy for others
But i've realized that life, all that we do, is an adventure.
Life sucks, Life is Messy.. SO WHAT!
Life is short
Life is beautiful
Life is Messy.. Crazy, wonderful, silly, magical and breathtaking.
Life is okay.
No matter who we fall in and out in love with,
whether we grow old with someone or die alone,
Its not about the happy ending people, its about the story. Taking chances, making steps to change the mundane into magical.
Every choice we make starts a reaction,
just live life, make friends
Fall in and out of Love
Enjoy every second
-nick
Life is messy
Life is sucky
Life is unfair at times
Life is unnoticed by the people who need to see it,
Life is hard for some
Life is easy for others
But i've realized that life, all that we do, is an adventure.
Life sucks, Life is Messy.. SO WHAT!
Life is short
Life is beautiful
Life is Messy.. Crazy, wonderful, silly, magical and breathtaking.
Life is okay.
No matter who we fall in and out in love with,
whether we grow old with someone or die alone,
Its not about the happy ending people, its about the story. Taking chances, making steps to change the mundane into magical.
Every choice we make starts a reaction,
just live life, make friends
Fall in and out of Love
Enjoy every second
-nick
Friday, August 5, 2011
At A Loss
Lately its like the world wants too much of my attention,
Where is the balance? Ending things with J.P. was hard, but it made me realize that I need to get out and date,
but why does it hurt so much.
The new guy i've been going on dates with has grown super attached, I don't really know what to do.
I can't help but wonder if I was the clingy, needy one with J.P. I certainly bring him up every spare moment on here.. I don't mean to keep dwelling on it, but it's hard to sever that connection we had, it was messy, it was hard, but it was kinda beautiful..
I feel like i'm stuck in the cement, I can't move.
I tried things with another guy but it just happened too fast, the things he is saying.. he fell for me very fast and the more he mentions it, or tells me I shouldn't see anyone else.. it makes him so less attractive to me.
He is lonely, hes broken. Like me.
But two broken people don't fix eachother, they pieces don't just mesh and repair themselves.
I'm trying to fix myself and it doesn't help that all the jagged pieces of him are shredding at me,
I sound selfish, I finally find someone who's into me 100 percent, but then I realize he doesn't know me.
All these guys they fall for me, not sounding cocky or arrogant.. but they fall for me, then they really get to know me and they lose interest.
Sometimes I can be crazy
Sometimes I can be needy
Sometimes I can so busy you never see me
Sometimes I am so free its insane but they can never hang out.
When will the timing be right..
Despite how much I say i'm lonely.. I don't need a relationship right now..
I'm going to the gym, i'm going to get in shape.
Meanwhile I am just going to take things slow..
I still want J.P. though I should just move on, but there is that thing in the back of my mind wondering if he was the one.. it sounds stupid because.. I am young. There is plenty of time to meet my guy.
I need to sit Nel down to and explain things to him like I have, that I simply can't deal with someone needing attention all the time,
I need to talk to J.P. I am not sure whether to tell him I still have feelings for him, or just stay friends and not tell him that I still dream about him
think about him
crave him
want him..
We've been texting,
Funny things, playful banter,
I've missed it.
Not sure what to do..
My head hurts..
I guess I will just see how things go, date when I can...
I crave to be weightless, to wake up and not worry.. not hurt..
"Every we choice were making, every road we take every interaction starts a chain reaction, Were both effected when we least expect it when.. We Dance.. When we laugh, when we TOUCH" -Natasha Bedingfield
I'm headed to bed,
anyone out there...?
*taps on the screen*
ah well
-nick
Where is the balance? Ending things with J.P. was hard, but it made me realize that I need to get out and date,
but why does it hurt so much.
The new guy i've been going on dates with has grown super attached, I don't really know what to do.
I can't help but wonder if I was the clingy, needy one with J.P. I certainly bring him up every spare moment on here.. I don't mean to keep dwelling on it, but it's hard to sever that connection we had, it was messy, it was hard, but it was kinda beautiful..
I feel like i'm stuck in the cement, I can't move.
I tried things with another guy but it just happened too fast, the things he is saying.. he fell for me very fast and the more he mentions it, or tells me I shouldn't see anyone else.. it makes him so less attractive to me.
He is lonely, hes broken. Like me.
But two broken people don't fix eachother, they pieces don't just mesh and repair themselves.
I'm trying to fix myself and it doesn't help that all the jagged pieces of him are shredding at me,
I sound selfish, I finally find someone who's into me 100 percent, but then I realize he doesn't know me.
All these guys they fall for me, not sounding cocky or arrogant.. but they fall for me, then they really get to know me and they lose interest.
Sometimes I can be crazy
Sometimes I can be needy
Sometimes I can so busy you never see me
Sometimes I am so free its insane but they can never hang out.
When will the timing be right..
Despite how much I say i'm lonely.. I don't need a relationship right now..
I'm going to the gym, i'm going to get in shape.
Meanwhile I am just going to take things slow..
I still want J.P. though I should just move on, but there is that thing in the back of my mind wondering if he was the one.. it sounds stupid because.. I am young. There is plenty of time to meet my guy.
I need to sit Nel down to and explain things to him like I have, that I simply can't deal with someone needing attention all the time,
I need to talk to J.P. I am not sure whether to tell him I still have feelings for him, or just stay friends and not tell him that I still dream about him
think about him
crave him
want him..
We've been texting,
Funny things, playful banter,
I've missed it.
Not sure what to do..
My head hurts..
I guess I will just see how things go, date when I can...
I crave to be weightless, to wake up and not worry.. not hurt..
"Every we choice were making, every road we take every interaction starts a chain reaction, Were both effected when we least expect it when.. We Dance.. When we laugh, when we TOUCH" -Natasha Bedingfield
I'm headed to bed,
anyone out there...?
*taps on the screen*
ah well
-nick
Friday, July 29, 2011
Broken and still unfixed
J.P. is talking to one of my past guys.
I don't mean to put that like i've had a billion, but there are reasons why it didn't last with the previous guys.
It hurt hearing it from him though,
I know I called things off because the distance hurt so much..
Confession..
I cried every single time J.P. left or I left him. Every . Single Time.
I cried because I had no idea when i'd see him next.
I cried because I didn't want him meeting someone more amazing then me.
So selfish that I don't want him with someone like the guy he's talking too now..
I've told him that the only reason I put a hold on things because the distance was too damn hard! I still care about him..
And the guy i've been dating, he is sweet and kind, but he is also very attached to me already.
After 2 weeks, I just want to date, have fun and look for what I want.
I think I might be hurting this new guy more and more everyday, because I dont want a relationship right now, I just ended one with the greatest man that I've ever met. I am not ready to just dive in with someone else.
I don't know what to do. I ask for help
Screaming for people to help me decide, but no one knows. All the advice that i've got is to have fun, that i'm young... but what about all the connections i'm making, all the ones i'm breaking, possibly ruining forever..
I'm sick to my stomach,
I dont know what to do..
Pursue things with Nel, date him and become boyfriends as easy as that.
Or do I date around, there are some guys that I haven't given a chance, and I feel so horrible becasue.. if hes reading this.. which I doubt he is, I do want to go on a date with him.
The world is spinning so fast I cant hold on.
Do I hold on and get sick and dizzy, or do I let go.. where its easy.
Never leave my house , i've gotten in that mind set before..
After a breakup I never left my room, never really ate.
Never drank anything, just sat.
Very unhealthy I get it.. but.. shit.. its the only way to escape heartbreak,
Life is about finding what you want, riding the waves and going through the ups and downs until you get it right..
but I am done with the storm..
when is it easy..
When is it just simple..
I think I already know the answer..
Its Never.
"If life were easy, where would all the adventures be"
Cinderella wouldnt have met her prince if she never worked her way to the ball,
Ariel would never have experienced life first hand if she didn't mess up, break the rules and journey to the impossible.
Belle went looking for her father in the forest, was brave enough to stay with the beast, though terrible at first she learned that beauty is within.
All these fairy tales showed that life isnt as easy as it seems..
But its hard living through all the twist and turns...
I'm stressed about school
about money
about rent
about finding another roomie.
wondering who my real friends are
missing my old ones..
Love.. and its own confusing headaches...
I feel empty..
there ya go.. I said it.
IM EMPTY
I don't mean to put that like i've had a billion, but there are reasons why it didn't last with the previous guys.
It hurt hearing it from him though,
I know I called things off because the distance hurt so much..
Confession..
I cried every single time J.P. left or I left him. Every . Single Time.
I cried because I had no idea when i'd see him next.
I cried because I didn't want him meeting someone more amazing then me.
So selfish that I don't want him with someone like the guy he's talking too now..
I've told him that the only reason I put a hold on things because the distance was too damn hard! I still care about him..
And the guy i've been dating, he is sweet and kind, but he is also very attached to me already.
After 2 weeks, I just want to date, have fun and look for what I want.
I think I might be hurting this new guy more and more everyday, because I dont want a relationship right now, I just ended one with the greatest man that I've ever met. I am not ready to just dive in with someone else.
I don't know what to do. I ask for help
Screaming for people to help me decide, but no one knows. All the advice that i've got is to have fun, that i'm young... but what about all the connections i'm making, all the ones i'm breaking, possibly ruining forever..
I'm sick to my stomach,
I dont know what to do..
Pursue things with Nel, date him and become boyfriends as easy as that.
Or do I date around, there are some guys that I haven't given a chance, and I feel so horrible becasue.. if hes reading this.. which I doubt he is, I do want to go on a date with him.
The world is spinning so fast I cant hold on.
Do I hold on and get sick and dizzy, or do I let go.. where its easy.
Never leave my house , i've gotten in that mind set before..
After a breakup I never left my room, never really ate.
Never drank anything, just sat.
Very unhealthy I get it.. but.. shit.. its the only way to escape heartbreak,
Life is about finding what you want, riding the waves and going through the ups and downs until you get it right..
but I am done with the storm..
when is it easy..
When is it just simple..
I think I already know the answer..
Its Never.
"If life were easy, where would all the adventures be"
Cinderella wouldnt have met her prince if she never worked her way to the ball,
Ariel would never have experienced life first hand if she didn't mess up, break the rules and journey to the impossible.
Belle went looking for her father in the forest, was brave enough to stay with the beast, though terrible at first she learned that beauty is within.
All these fairy tales showed that life isnt as easy as it seems..
But its hard living through all the twist and turns...
I'm stressed about school
about money
about rent
about finding another roomie.
wondering who my real friends are
missing my old ones..
Love.. and its own confusing headaches...
I feel empty..
there ya go.. I said it.
IM EMPTY
Submerge
The still pictures that I see everyday blind me in seconds,Cameras in my head threaten to overheat, click click
Laughing at lost jokes, trying to find them in the air.
I'm falling. I'm loving this.
Hidden messages in songs, undertones of something beautiful.
How I Became The Sea by Owl City
A love song,
A song about shedding the unnecesary things in life,
finding your soulmate and putting everything at risk,
tearing down all your walls, so its just you and them.
Submerged in the music, feeling the notes surround.
Swept up in the melody, craving for it to fill me up.
I breath out the poison and breath in light.
I'm whole again.
I cry because I crave this feeling always
To be happy.
Constant grief and sadness is all I tend to lean towards.
I want to be happy. To feel like I belong.
Why is it only here that I feel the most connected.
Uptight, wound and bound.
Released from my prison,
Here things make sense,
Lost things found in darkness,
Surviving on this feeling
-------------------
I break the surface, breathing in the air.
I remember.
I'm sad.
I'm alone.
I'm confused.
Lifting higher out of the water,
Hating the surface.
Dare I jump in from this distance..
I climb to the edge and sit, remembering the touch
For now all I can do is look.
Stare..
Want.
Need.
Crave..
wait.
Lose myself in the screams
Friday, July 22, 2011
Half Life
That's why I try to keep at bay
Be a hundred percent when I'm with you and then
A perfect heart's length away
The stickler is you've played not one beat wrong
You never promised me anything
Even sat me down, warned me just how they fall
And I knew the odds were I'd never win
yet here I am
It's a half life
With you as my quarterback
A daft life
My self-worth measured in text back tempo
It's been 2 days and 8 minutes too slow
There may well be others but I still like to pretend
That I'm the one you really want to grow old with
You've got a schedule to stick to
Got a world to keep sweet
You're so much to everyone all the time
Will you ever slow down? Will I ever come first?
The universe contracts to sign
Hold me darling, please
It's a half life
With you as my quarterback
A daft life
It's a half life
With you as my quarterback
A daft life
You know you'll never be lonely
You know you'll always be loved
And maybe you'll never need more than that
But of the surplus that loves, what's to become of us?
Does it even register on your conscience?
Long for one last showdown
From a box in the crowd, air compressed tight to explode
I'm clenching my ticket to the only way out
As you disappear in a puff of smoke
It's a half life
With you as my quarterback
A daft life "
-Imogen Heap Half Life
Everyone reading needs to hear this song, go to youtube or google it.
This song describes how I feel about J.P.
I felt us cracking, the distance being too much, a small tiny crack burst into a spider-web crack, and that fell about into nothing at all.
I want to date, I want to have fun. I met someone, nothing serious.. but I am just seeing how it works out. I am just going to be focusing on me. on being single
I've never been selfish, I put others first but right now.... As much as i'm hurting over losing J.P.. I know that if its meant to be, maybe we will meet in the future, maybe we won't.
Perhaps I wasn't grown up enough to last in such a long distance relationship.. I just couldn't keep telling J.P. I loved him, and then hang out with other guys..I just felt like it wasn't fair to him.
He was sad and now hes angry, he tells me he put alot of trust in me. He fell in love with me and I just...threw him down into the dirt..
Am I a horrible person for wanting someone close?
Tired of waiting to be happy, It was always waiting with J.P. Waiting to see him, waiting to know when I'd see him next..
I'm going to just be single..
I keep crying every time I hear a song or a tie that leads me back to J.P. But I have to realize that it wasnt meant to be..
But tell me... am I selfish? I couldn't fix the crack. They just keep getting worse..
The song Half Life is exactly how I feel..
"My self worth measured in text-back tempo, its been 3 days and 8 minutes too slow. Well there may well be others but I still like to pretend that i'm the one you want to grow old with. "
I am tired of living a half life. Tired of flakey roomates.
Tired of hurting.. What is the point of getting close to someone if it just makes you that much more fragile..
Tired of breaking..
-nick
Monday, July 18, 2011
Drowning In Thoughts
Do you ever have those days that you feel like the world is going to collapse if you take one more step? Moments that happen at one time that almost makes you shut down.
It's hard to blog knowing my little audience, I don't want to offend anyone. I don't want anyone to think of me as a bad person, or crazy or whatever.
Life right now is just making me dizzy, so much going on.
J.P. is distant, says that he loves me. Says that my ability to date other guys is my choice, to just let him know.
When he first told me I thought "No, I don't want anyone else"
But now that i've thought about it, it seems like the only thing I want is to be happy, and with him I am.. Most of the time.
Which path do I choose? I stay with J.P. and be miserable not seeing him, not hearing from him, knowing that when I do see him, all the negative thoughts will go away and it will be pure bliss. There is always the time when I leave, or he leaves and the rush of sadness comes back because I wonder when I will get to see him next, 1 day, 5, a week? Its hard.
Meeting someone else has made me realize how much I just want to date, J.P. is looking for someone to settle down with, and I am not sure if I am what he wants, and I am just starting life.
I am a strong believer in fate, in destiny and all things happening for a reason.
What was the reason for me meeting J.P. To experience a wonderful man, and then let him leave to find his somone?
I have alot to learn about life, I don't think anyone really knows everything about it. Why things happen. Why certain people come into our lives at certain times,
I think about the past men i've dated, I kinda learned something from each one. Someone that I can take away from it and learn to be better, but lately its hard just learning lessons.
I am not a player, I don't "play" people. I am real because that's what I seek in the world. People who are judge free, not afraid to be who they are, people who never put a front because they are afraid of people might think,
I wear glitter, and nailpolish not because that's a typical GAY thing, I do it because its fun to stand out, to bend the rules so life is interesting. I've said it before and i'll say it again.. "Life is far too short to go through it unnoticed"
I am just...so torn.. I have no idea what to do. I don't want J.P. to walk out of my life.. but at the same time I want to experience what life has to offer, I'm not a slutty guy, but I want to date guys, go see movies, hold hands and just have fun in life.. I'm sick of being forgotten, of being pushed aside, of being treated like i'm less of person.
I am Nicholas Michael Irwin Goodman, I am different and I will make it in this world because Im a fighter, I will stand up for what I believe in and I will grow old with the man that I love, who ever he might be.
I'm ready to live. ready to have fun and be myself.
thank you for reading..
-nick
It's hard to blog knowing my little audience, I don't want to offend anyone. I don't want anyone to think of me as a bad person, or crazy or whatever.
Life right now is just making me dizzy, so much going on.
J.P. is distant, says that he loves me. Says that my ability to date other guys is my choice, to just let him know.
When he first told me I thought "No, I don't want anyone else"
But now that i've thought about it, it seems like the only thing I want is to be happy, and with him I am.. Most of the time.
Which path do I choose? I stay with J.P. and be miserable not seeing him, not hearing from him, knowing that when I do see him, all the negative thoughts will go away and it will be pure bliss. There is always the time when I leave, or he leaves and the rush of sadness comes back because I wonder when I will get to see him next, 1 day, 5, a week? Its hard.
Meeting someone else has made me realize how much I just want to date, J.P. is looking for someone to settle down with, and I am not sure if I am what he wants, and I am just starting life.
I am a strong believer in fate, in destiny and all things happening for a reason.
What was the reason for me meeting J.P. To experience a wonderful man, and then let him leave to find his somone?
I have alot to learn about life, I don't think anyone really knows everything about it. Why things happen. Why certain people come into our lives at certain times,
I think about the past men i've dated, I kinda learned something from each one. Someone that I can take away from it and learn to be better, but lately its hard just learning lessons.
I am not a player, I don't "play" people. I am real because that's what I seek in the world. People who are judge free, not afraid to be who they are, people who never put a front because they are afraid of people might think,
I wear glitter, and nailpolish not because that's a typical GAY thing, I do it because its fun to stand out, to bend the rules so life is interesting. I've said it before and i'll say it again.. "Life is far too short to go through it unnoticed"
I am just...so torn.. I have no idea what to do. I don't want J.P. to walk out of my life.. but at the same time I want to experience what life has to offer, I'm not a slutty guy, but I want to date guys, go see movies, hold hands and just have fun in life.. I'm sick of being forgotten, of being pushed aside, of being treated like i'm less of person.
I am Nicholas Michael Irwin Goodman, I am different and I will make it in this world because Im a fighter, I will stand up for what I believe in and I will grow old with the man that I love, who ever he might be.
I'm ready to live. ready to have fun and be myself.
thank you for reading..
-nick
Sunday, July 10, 2011
Broken and Fixed
To start off,
I apologize (yet again) for my up and down type posts, one day you'll smile because i'll say something witty (its bound to happen sometime) and other times I say things that make people sad or depressed.
Thats life for me, this roller coaster of not knowing what's coming next, To be honest it can be exhausting at times, and my patience does wear thin from time to time.
Life is a Ride. Enjoy It.
Some days it can fly by faster then you want it to,
other times its long, harsh and cruel, but its how you take it at the end of the day that matters.
I came home from work in a wonderful mood, despite things going on at work that I can't really explain on here..Work frustrates me to be honest, and I will hold off on my comments knowing one of my readers :) I usually don't have a filter on here but I think I need to for this subject. ****************CLASSIFIED INFORMATION*********** Special Permission Required :
password ___________
ANYWAY. Work was okay, I get home and my roomie tells me to go look up CraigsList.
I go and pull up one of the postings for the day, and I see My J.P. all lovely and wonderful posting for a hookup.. and ... it killed me..
I guess I didn't realize how fragile I can be, in this case I shattered. I went to my room.. and just collapsed.. knowing that he said he loved me, but he was posting for someone else, someone better, someone not me.
We have had the talk a few times now and he is still the same answer, that a relationship puts too many behavior disadvantages, and I get it. We can technically date who we want when we want.
I won't lie, i've had my mistakes at parties kissing a guy, but i've realized that I don't want something cheap, someone that will only last a second.. I want lasting, wonderful, I want J.P. No matter if he feels as strongly or not.
So I was heartbroken, confused, hurt.
I called and left him a message , that when it when to voicemail that set me off even more, thinking that someone had replied to his post,
What can I say, I get jealous. But if you saw J.P. like I do, you'd get it..
So I left the apartment after a spur of the moment feng shui of my room,
I needed to go anywhere, be anywhere , just cease to be all at once. I ended up at the closing game of the Rebels football team where my cousins were, they pulled me aside and I told them I needed to leave, that I was suddenly swallowed up by so many things going through my head..
I ended up going to my neighbors down the street and watched SUCKERPUNCH, And loved the True Escape idea of the film.
J.P. called and texted that we needed to talk and when we did....I was so relieved.. and a bit angry.
Apparently an Ex of J.P. posted the post on Craigslist, that he wanted me, just me. He apologized for the mis understaning, and only for a moment did I wonder if he was just trying to back step out of something he was caught int. But I realized that J.P. Is wonderful, amazing and I am in Love with him, so We talked it through and we are okay.. Though he didn't tell me which Ex it was, only giving me the three words that will rot in my mind for who knows how long.. "You. Know. Him"
I hope it works out that whoever it was gets in trouble for posting a post under someone elses name and picture..
I now know that J.P. wouldn't do that.
He is sensational, though he often doubts it. He really is a catch,
Whether I get him for days, months or even years.. The most important thing is, I Get Him. I got to know someone who restored my faith in the world of Love. Its out there, in unexpecting and breath taking, and should be cherished every second we have it, no matter what the time limit.
So cherish all the little moments and don't hate them when they are gone, be greatful you were there to live them.
Think I spit out enough quotes?
:) Nicholas Michael Irwin Goodman
I apologize (yet again) for my up and down type posts, one day you'll smile because i'll say something witty (its bound to happen sometime) and other times I say things that make people sad or depressed.
Thats life for me, this roller coaster of not knowing what's coming next, To be honest it can be exhausting at times, and my patience does wear thin from time to time.
Life is a Ride. Enjoy It.
Some days it can fly by faster then you want it to,
other times its long, harsh and cruel, but its how you take it at the end of the day that matters.
I came home from work in a wonderful mood, despite things going on at work that I can't really explain on here..Work frustrates me to be honest, and I will hold off on my comments knowing one of my readers :) I usually don't have a filter on here but I think I need to for this subject. ****************CLASSIFIED INFORMATION*********** Special Permission Required :
password ___________
ANYWAY. Work was okay, I get home and my roomie tells me to go look up CraigsList.
I go and pull up one of the postings for the day, and I see My J.P. all lovely and wonderful posting for a hookup.. and ... it killed me..
I guess I didn't realize how fragile I can be, in this case I shattered. I went to my room.. and just collapsed.. knowing that he said he loved me, but he was posting for someone else, someone better, someone not me.
We have had the talk a few times now and he is still the same answer, that a relationship puts too many behavior disadvantages, and I get it. We can technically date who we want when we want.
I won't lie, i've had my mistakes at parties kissing a guy, but i've realized that I don't want something cheap, someone that will only last a second.. I want lasting, wonderful, I want J.P. No matter if he feels as strongly or not.
So I was heartbroken, confused, hurt.
I called and left him a message , that when it when to voicemail that set me off even more, thinking that someone had replied to his post,
What can I say, I get jealous. But if you saw J.P. like I do, you'd get it..
So I left the apartment after a spur of the moment feng shui of my room,
I needed to go anywhere, be anywhere , just cease to be all at once. I ended up at the closing game of the Rebels football team where my cousins were, they pulled me aside and I told them I needed to leave, that I was suddenly swallowed up by so many things going through my head..
I ended up going to my neighbors down the street and watched SUCKERPUNCH, And loved the True Escape idea of the film.
J.P. called and texted that we needed to talk and when we did....I was so relieved.. and a bit angry.
Apparently an Ex of J.P. posted the post on Craigslist, that he wanted me, just me. He apologized for the mis understaning, and only for a moment did I wonder if he was just trying to back step out of something he was caught int. But I realized that J.P. Is wonderful, amazing and I am in Love with him, so We talked it through and we are okay.. Though he didn't tell me which Ex it was, only giving me the three words that will rot in my mind for who knows how long.. "You. Know. Him"
I hope it works out that whoever it was gets in trouble for posting a post under someone elses name and picture..
I now know that J.P. wouldn't do that.
He is sensational, though he often doubts it. He really is a catch,
Whether I get him for days, months or even years.. The most important thing is, I Get Him. I got to know someone who restored my faith in the world of Love. Its out there, in unexpecting and breath taking, and should be cherished every second we have it, no matter what the time limit.
So cherish all the little moments and don't hate them when they are gone, be greatful you were there to live them.
Think I spit out enough quotes?
:) Nicholas Michael Irwin Goodman
Thursday, July 7, 2011
Wonderful
Hey,
Despite my last depressing post (that is now deleted) I'd like to update you that i'm happy again. Me and J.P. talked everything out. Nothing has changed but I realized how great he is and how I don't want things to be messed up..
I bought tickets to The Little Mermaid at Tuacahn a couple weeks ago, thinking it would be a great date to take J.P. On.
The day started off not as planned, he called saying his car was broken. I then drove up to his house and picked him him, which wasn't bad at all,
We went to dinner, talked , laughed
Went to Little Mermaid, It was AAMMMAZING ! I only saw a little more then half of the play because in the middle of a number it began to rain, and that turned into a downpour. They called off the show for 30 minutes, we waited to see if it would stop and we ended up leaving early.
Here I was leaving what I had been waiting for , for weeks now. But I knew that I wasn't excited about Little Mermaid, I wanted to spend time with J.P. No matter where we were.
We headed home, popped in a movie and made Dr.Pepper floats and just talked. It was wonderful.
We are still just dating, which.. now that I see the reasoning behind it. It makes sense. He is in Love with him , and I him, what more is there to ask.
Life is okay.
Its not perfect yet, but perfect would be boring. I'm fine with okay.
I'm in Love.
I would still like to go on dates with other guys, there is one in perticular I want to go on a date with, I just dont want to seem like a player.. but I'm not with anyone, Im single and enjoying life
Thanks for reading my rants, i'll come up with something worthy of blogging eventually
Despite my last depressing post (that is now deleted) I'd like to update you that i'm happy again. Me and J.P. talked everything out. Nothing has changed but I realized how great he is and how I don't want things to be messed up..
I bought tickets to The Little Mermaid at Tuacahn a couple weeks ago, thinking it would be a great date to take J.P. On.
The day started off not as planned, he called saying his car was broken. I then drove up to his house and picked him him, which wasn't bad at all,
We went to dinner, talked , laughed
Went to Little Mermaid, It was AAMMMAZING ! I only saw a little more then half of the play because in the middle of a number it began to rain, and that turned into a downpour. They called off the show for 30 minutes, we waited to see if it would stop and we ended up leaving early.
Here I was leaving what I had been waiting for , for weeks now. But I knew that I wasn't excited about Little Mermaid, I wanted to spend time with J.P. No matter where we were.
We headed home, popped in a movie and made Dr.Pepper floats and just talked. It was wonderful.
We are still just dating, which.. now that I see the reasoning behind it. It makes sense. He is in Love with him , and I him, what more is there to ask.
Life is okay.
Its not perfect yet, but perfect would be boring. I'm fine with okay.
I'm in Love.
I would still like to go on dates with other guys, there is one in perticular I want to go on a date with, I just dont want to seem like a player.. but I'm not with anyone, Im single and enjoying life
Thanks for reading my rants, i'll come up with something worthy of blogging eventually
Tuesday, June 21, 2011
Cravings
My life in the past couple of weeks has been in a word.... uneventful.
The guy i've been seeing has been sorta busy, I miss him like crazy! In a week or so i'll be able to see him, i've been busy with work and its hard to find time to plan something with him. I hope it lets up soon because I am craving him, everything about him, his lips, his touch, his voice, his laugh. His giant sweeping eyelashes, his big brown eyes, it takes my breath away thinking about him.
On my old blog everytime I would talk about a guy on here it would quickly turn sour, so i'm not going into much detail. Wouldn't want to jinx it. Its safe to say that i'm falling in love with him, and its nice to feel that way.
The past couple months have been HELL due to one crazy guy in perticular, I don't even want to spend time talking about him. He is crazy, and not well and I dont want to waste energy on him, hes not worth it. I just wish he was out of my life for good, knowing that as long as my roomate Kyle is living here, the connection is there, weak but still there..
I've been missing my old friends lately, My old roomie who moved out.. My friend that moved to Logan, Cedar and other places around the world that prevents me from seeing them every day....
______________________________________________________________________
Alright to be honest I left yesterday and lost the train of thought for that blog, but i'm going to do my best to finish..
Cravings.. I want and need to see him again, every time I think about him I realize how special he is to me. We were talking on the phone and he said it was so hard to be away, not being able to see me.. This sounds selfish, but i really hope he hasnt met anyone else.
I just find it so frustrating, our situation. He doesn't want to be official and I get that, I know i'm not 100 percent what he wants, but he makes me so happy. I know I should just take it one day at a time, its just hard to not fall deeper in Love with him.. He is Perfect... I miss him
pointless blog post.. I think so
-Nick
The guy i've been seeing has been sorta busy, I miss him like crazy! In a week or so i'll be able to see him, i've been busy with work and its hard to find time to plan something with him. I hope it lets up soon because I am craving him, everything about him, his lips, his touch, his voice, his laugh. His giant sweeping eyelashes, his big brown eyes, it takes my breath away thinking about him.
On my old blog everytime I would talk about a guy on here it would quickly turn sour, so i'm not going into much detail. Wouldn't want to jinx it. Its safe to say that i'm falling in love with him, and its nice to feel that way.
The past couple months have been HELL due to one crazy guy in perticular, I don't even want to spend time talking about him. He is crazy, and not well and I dont want to waste energy on him, hes not worth it. I just wish he was out of my life for good, knowing that as long as my roomate Kyle is living here, the connection is there, weak but still there..
I've been missing my old friends lately, My old roomie who moved out.. My friend that moved to Logan, Cedar and other places around the world that prevents me from seeing them every day....
______________________________________________________________________
Alright to be honest I left yesterday and lost the train of thought for that blog, but i'm going to do my best to finish..
Cravings.. I want and need to see him again, every time I think about him I realize how special he is to me. We were talking on the phone and he said it was so hard to be away, not being able to see me.. This sounds selfish, but i really hope he hasnt met anyone else.
I just find it so frustrating, our situation. He doesn't want to be official and I get that, I know i'm not 100 percent what he wants, but he makes me so happy. I know I should just take it one day at a time, its just hard to not fall deeper in Love with him.. He is Perfect... I miss him
pointless blog post.. I think so
-Nick
Sunday, June 12, 2011
It's About TIME
What is Time?
How come the times when we want something to end, like a bad birthday party or a visit from an Aunt. Time seems to stretch, you check the clock and the second hand slows to a stop. That every single moment your wanting it to end , the clock ticks sluggishly away, torturting you.
Then there are the times you want to to last, to freeze or stop. Times when you with someone you love or when you finally achieve something you tried for years.
How does time decide what to keep?
Some people live a hundred years, I read about an old man who went Skydiving on his 100th!
Then there are the people time takes early, a father, mother, sister, brother or friend.
Time it seems has been on my mind constantly,
Time for bills
Time for Work
No time to hang out with friends
No time seeing the guy i'm dating
No time it seems to sign up for school
Some people aren't worried about time, they are or in school or dont care about it. They show up late for work, some are even early start their shift.
Time is so different with some people.
So I've been dating this guy for nearly a month now, (well techinically longer because we met a while back online but recently the relationship has progressed.)
This may be too personal to blog about...But saying that doesn't really matter I guess, because I need to get it out of my head.
So me and this guy have been going on dates, having fun. He drives down to see me, I go up and see him. We laugh, we play, we read, walk, flirt, watch movies, eat, read more. But then there is always a TIME when one of us has to leave.
Work in the morning
Busy with school
not enough time.
He told me he Loved me, which I was thrilled about because you know what.. I Love him too, He is everything I wanted in a man and it took meeting him to figure EXACTLY what that was. If there was ever a dream guy.. it'd be him.. hands down.
I shouldn't even be mentioning him because I swear im cursed, I finally talk about a guy I like on here and then things go sour. Things are different with him though, I can feel it.. if that makes sense. I can tell that he isn't some mistake that I am going to add to the list. He cares about me, he gets my jokes, laughs at me when my jokes aren't funny. Tells me i'm gorgeous when i'm feeling down about myself. Oh and he honestly loves every single thing about me that I want to change, inside and out. I feel safe when I'm with him, though at times I can be a bit quiet.. he is just so intelligent and I feel like sometimes I can't reach him because he is on this different level.
I Love talking to him, About him,
I Love the way he looks at me, watching me, watching him.
He is always picking my brain which I love because most my deep thoughts are internal, though most of you get to see them neatly...(or uneatly) Sprawled across the page as the letters are leaving my mind.
Some days he texts, calls and sends pictures all day. Letting me know that he's thinking about me,
then some days I go 2 days without hearing from him.
He says we aren't offcial, that he and I get to date other guys. He doesn't want to be boyfriends right now, which I'm okay with.
I do get jealous from time to time when I think he is with other guys, but it is something I will have to get over, knowing that I over think EVERYTHING anyway...
I haven't wanted to Be with anyone since the day he told me he loved me, I just turn the guys down because I really want him and him only. I do slip up from time to time, at parties kissing guys because they are there...which sounds terrible but...ah well right?
I just miss him.
He might be getting a job down in Vegas for the summer, maybe longer. The trips a bit further then now, I'm wondering if my car could last driving there and back so frequently. If it breaks down... i'm done for, He says he is almost done living here, done with school . ready to be off at Grad school.. .
What happens then? If we aren't offcial.. does our Dating Fling go to ruin, knowing he will no doubt meet someone the first month in Grad School.
Or is time to fragile to look ahead that far?
I have recently found a love for time-travel, mostly The Hourglass Door Series (by Lisa Mangum)
They are basically Twilight but instead of Vampires they are Time Travelers.
Knowing the future is risky and pesky because its always changing, One thing you do now could vastly effect the future.
My friend Lena at work was telling me about a book that crushing a mere butterfly set a chain of events forward in time to do some major damage, so that is my question.
Do I just enjoy every second I have with my guy, knowing he loves me, wants me.
Knowing too far ahead in the future could drvie you crazy becaues your either stuck waiting for it to happen or you know what is going to happen and you try and change it.
I think I will just try seeing thing one day at a time, treasure to moments I get to spend with him once a week,
and hope that the future is kind enough to let me have him just a little longer.
Well time for bed....
Night.
-nick
How come the times when we want something to end, like a bad birthday party or a visit from an Aunt. Time seems to stretch, you check the clock and the second hand slows to a stop. That every single moment your wanting it to end , the clock ticks sluggishly away, torturting you.
Then there are the times you want to to last, to freeze or stop. Times when you with someone you love or when you finally achieve something you tried for years.
How does time decide what to keep?
Some people live a hundred years, I read about an old man who went Skydiving on his 100th!
Then there are the people time takes early, a father, mother, sister, brother or friend.
Time it seems has been on my mind constantly,
Time for bills
Time for Work
No time to hang out with friends
No time seeing the guy i'm dating
No time it seems to sign up for school
Some people aren't worried about time, they are or in school or dont care about it. They show up late for work, some are even early start their shift.
Time is so different with some people.
So I've been dating this guy for nearly a month now, (well techinically longer because we met a while back online but recently the relationship has progressed.)
This may be too personal to blog about...But saying that doesn't really matter I guess, because I need to get it out of my head.
So me and this guy have been going on dates, having fun. He drives down to see me, I go up and see him. We laugh, we play, we read, walk, flirt, watch movies, eat, read more. But then there is always a TIME when one of us has to leave.
Work in the morning
Busy with school
not enough time.
He told me he Loved me, which I was thrilled about because you know what.. I Love him too, He is everything I wanted in a man and it took meeting him to figure EXACTLY what that was. If there was ever a dream guy.. it'd be him.. hands down.
I shouldn't even be mentioning him because I swear im cursed, I finally talk about a guy I like on here and then things go sour. Things are different with him though, I can feel it.. if that makes sense. I can tell that he isn't some mistake that I am going to add to the list. He cares about me, he gets my jokes, laughs at me when my jokes aren't funny. Tells me i'm gorgeous when i'm feeling down about myself. Oh and he honestly loves every single thing about me that I want to change, inside and out. I feel safe when I'm with him, though at times I can be a bit quiet.. he is just so intelligent and I feel like sometimes I can't reach him because he is on this different level.
I Love talking to him, About him,
I Love the way he looks at me, watching me, watching him.
He is always picking my brain which I love because most my deep thoughts are internal, though most of you get to see them neatly...(or uneatly) Sprawled across the page as the letters are leaving my mind.
Some days he texts, calls and sends pictures all day. Letting me know that he's thinking about me,
then some days I go 2 days without hearing from him.
He says we aren't offcial, that he and I get to date other guys. He doesn't want to be boyfriends right now, which I'm okay with.
I do get jealous from time to time when I think he is with other guys, but it is something I will have to get over, knowing that I over think EVERYTHING anyway...
I haven't wanted to Be with anyone since the day he told me he loved me, I just turn the guys down because I really want him and him only. I do slip up from time to time, at parties kissing guys because they are there...which sounds terrible but...ah well right?
I just miss him.
He might be getting a job down in Vegas for the summer, maybe longer. The trips a bit further then now, I'm wondering if my car could last driving there and back so frequently. If it breaks down... i'm done for, He says he is almost done living here, done with school . ready to be off at Grad school.. .
What happens then? If we aren't offcial.. does our Dating Fling go to ruin, knowing he will no doubt meet someone the first month in Grad School.
Or is time to fragile to look ahead that far?
I have recently found a love for time-travel, mostly The Hourglass Door Series (by Lisa Mangum)
They are basically Twilight but instead of Vampires they are Time Travelers.
Knowing the future is risky and pesky because its always changing, One thing you do now could vastly effect the future.
My friend Lena at work was telling me about a book that crushing a mere butterfly set a chain of events forward in time to do some major damage, so that is my question.
Do I just enjoy every second I have with my guy, knowing he loves me, wants me.
Knowing too far ahead in the future could drvie you crazy becaues your either stuck waiting for it to happen or you know what is going to happen and you try and change it.
I think I will just try seeing thing one day at a time, treasure to moments I get to spend with him once a week,
and hope that the future is kind enough to let me have him just a little longer.
Well time for bed....
Night.
-nick
Friday, May 13, 2011
Everybody Leaves
Okay, I was planning just talking about my favorite movie Suckerpunch.. but I would just like to whine for a bit if I could about my stupid living situation.
It can basically be broken down into two words, "Everybody Leaves"
For starters me and Britters moved out together and it was hilarious and fun, midnight Mcdonalds runs, 2 o Clock Walmart runs where we would have races in the handicapped chairs...A couple months in she decided that it was better for her to move home, rent free. That was the first let-down, I hoped that we could have gone on living like we had been, making my family where ever I could.
We had another roomate Dal, who was a decent roomate. Britters replaced herself with a random guy she found on Craigslist. Alex. He always stayed in his room, drank bottles and bottles of whiskey and was never willing to hang out or watch movies like I wanted all the roomies to be able to do. I was miserable.
Dal was constantly down and making me feel even worse about myself, one day I came home and Alex's stuff was gone. He texted me that he got a job and Salt Lake and needed to leave, ASAP.
I then went to Dal's room and his walls and room were bare, he also left me a text and just LEFT.
Dal took most of his stuff but I didn't care about the pots or pans or silverware, auto-can opener or water filter.. I just wanted to be able to wake up, be comfortable with the people in my house, go to dinners, make dinners, go to movies, hang out...
So I posted on Craigslist, Dal's friend Kayli got back to me about the room and moved in right away. I found a guy named Kenneth to fill the other room, I slowly felt like everything was okay again... Until a week later, after I helped moved things from Kenneth's old place he announced that he was moving out. So I posted on Craigslist again and got some pretty sketchy people....
Well the guy I had been seeings Ex needed a place.. and even though he was this nerdy weird guy I thought Id give him a chance.
He is a big gamer and he can get on my nerves at time...I just hope he doesn't screw me over.. He's already pushing my buttons but I guess I have to deal with it.. Beggers can't be choosers... but I say WHY THE HELL NOT. This isn't some college dorm, I can't move back home whenever I feel like. I would rot and die there.. I have to stay where I'm at.. even if that means I am broke most of the time.. I have to live life, I can't take the easy way out because that is just not an available option.
I started hanging out with Kayli and her boyfriend they cheered me up..But I just found out shes moving back to Salt Lake.. Another roomate who I thought would be there for me.. Gone..
Its just me and Kyle.. the gamer that I have nothing in common with, who brings strange men home and asked me to leave my own house. A guy who leaves on the air all day with windows open, or lights on when no ones home.. where is the person like me.. that will respect that this is my home... My safe place.. I guess it hasnt been that for a while..
I have really tried to be more postive, I'm dating a very amazing guy right now. We are offcial but I dont want anyone else.. I know that sounds stupid, i'll try not to jinx it by going into much detail but hes wonderful. I can say that I have some really great friends in my life right now that I KNOW aren't going anywhere.. its just hard trying to have a house and have so many people in and out of it.. Ah well, another month another adventure. I dont mean to sound Bi-polar about all of this but I guess typing it out has made me less angry.
I've decided i'm going to dedicate another blog post to SUCKERPUNCH, So look for it right after this one :)
-Nick
It can basically be broken down into two words, "Everybody Leaves"
For starters me and Britters moved out together and it was hilarious and fun, midnight Mcdonalds runs, 2 o Clock Walmart runs where we would have races in the handicapped chairs...A couple months in she decided that it was better for her to move home, rent free. That was the first let-down, I hoped that we could have gone on living like we had been, making my family where ever I could.
We had another roomate Dal, who was a decent roomate. Britters replaced herself with a random guy she found on Craigslist. Alex. He always stayed in his room, drank bottles and bottles of whiskey and was never willing to hang out or watch movies like I wanted all the roomies to be able to do. I was miserable.
Dal was constantly down and making me feel even worse about myself, one day I came home and Alex's stuff was gone. He texted me that he got a job and Salt Lake and needed to leave, ASAP.
I then went to Dal's room and his walls and room were bare, he also left me a text and just LEFT.
Dal took most of his stuff but I didn't care about the pots or pans or silverware, auto-can opener or water filter.. I just wanted to be able to wake up, be comfortable with the people in my house, go to dinners, make dinners, go to movies, hang out...
So I posted on Craigslist, Dal's friend Kayli got back to me about the room and moved in right away. I found a guy named Kenneth to fill the other room, I slowly felt like everything was okay again... Until a week later, after I helped moved things from Kenneth's old place he announced that he was moving out. So I posted on Craigslist again and got some pretty sketchy people....
Well the guy I had been seeings Ex needed a place.. and even though he was this nerdy weird guy I thought Id give him a chance.
He is a big gamer and he can get on my nerves at time...I just hope he doesn't screw me over.. He's already pushing my buttons but I guess I have to deal with it.. Beggers can't be choosers... but I say WHY THE HELL NOT. This isn't some college dorm, I can't move back home whenever I feel like. I would rot and die there.. I have to stay where I'm at.. even if that means I am broke most of the time.. I have to live life, I can't take the easy way out because that is just not an available option.
I started hanging out with Kayli and her boyfriend they cheered me up..But I just found out shes moving back to Salt Lake.. Another roomate who I thought would be there for me.. Gone..
Its just me and Kyle.. the gamer that I have nothing in common with, who brings strange men home and asked me to leave my own house. A guy who leaves on the air all day with windows open, or lights on when no ones home.. where is the person like me.. that will respect that this is my home... My safe place.. I guess it hasnt been that for a while..
I have really tried to be more postive, I'm dating a very amazing guy right now. We are offcial but I dont want anyone else.. I know that sounds stupid, i'll try not to jinx it by going into much detail but hes wonderful. I can say that I have some really great friends in my life right now that I KNOW aren't going anywhere.. its just hard trying to have a house and have so many people in and out of it.. Ah well, another month another adventure. I dont mean to sound Bi-polar about all of this but I guess typing it out has made me less angry.
I've decided i'm going to dedicate another blog post to SUCKERPUNCH, So look for it right after this one :)
-Nick
Saturday, April 16, 2011
I'm Back
Hello there,
I took a bit of a break from my blog, away from the negative thoughts that I constantly find myself wallowing in.
I have days where I think the world will collapse on top of me, some days I feel I can't breathe.
But there are days like today that make it okay, That I know that I'm so lucky to be where I am right now.
I have a very nice apartment, though at times it seems like its too much work because everything seems to be falling apart, I know that its the best I can do right now and I'm okay with it. I am talking to my Mom again, which is weird.
We don't touch the subject of being Gay, but we can talk and be cival with one another, which I think is both strange and great. I don't hate her anymore which I probably shouldn't have in the first place, I've realized dealing with people like her in the world, through my work or on the streets. I've realized that some people are just ignorant and stuck in their ways, and it's not my fault that I can't make them see that my lifestyle is normal. They have their life and I have mine.
I feel like i've somewhat grown a lot in the past couple months, I've dealt with personal struggles where my inner demons threatened to take over my life. I'm in a good place right now and for the first time in months i'm happy.
I've met some pretty great people working at the movie theater, people who have changed my opinions of people, people who have restored my faith in finding worthwhile people in this town. I don't see a lot of my old friends but I think about them almost every single day, I miss the old times.
I've met some amazing Men these past couple months, ones that make me realize what i've been missing. I like dating different guys, going to the mall or grabbing lunch or having dinner, I'm happy with being single.
Its funny to me that I can go weeks or months without a guy giving me a second look, but when one guy is interested, there are 2 or 3 more that suddenly are. I don't mean to sound stuck up or arrogant, but its weird to have a different types of guys interested in me.
I've found with this one guy I've gone on a couple dates with that I need to learn so much more then I have been, I need to sign up for college. Not to sound stupid but talking with him makes me feel dumb, only because of the big words and deep conversations. I am not getting down on myself but I've needed a good, worthwhile conversation, and with him its never-ending.
I've heard some rumors floating around Saint George about me, Which I find strange because I was once the "Gay Guy" that everyone was curious about because they have never heard of me, but it turns out that someone is spreading nasty rumors, and though I can't help it. I wish I could just set everyone straight on the matter, I was going to list the rumors on here and disprove them each, but I am not even wasting my time on them. People can think what they want about me, I know who I am. I know my self-worth.
I've been talking to this other guy and i've been reading his blog... let me tell you..its probably one of the most beautiful things i've ever read... I want my blog to be something that brings me people to tears, or helps someone realize something to help them in their life. I'm starting this blog as me, Nicholas Michael Irwin Goodman, no more hiding no more pretending.
I am me.
Thank you all for reading, I look forward to reading all of your blogs, I love catching up with each of you through your words, You all Inspire me to be better!
-Nick
I took a bit of a break from my blog, away from the negative thoughts that I constantly find myself wallowing in.
I have days where I think the world will collapse on top of me, some days I feel I can't breathe.
But there are days like today that make it okay, That I know that I'm so lucky to be where I am right now.
I have a very nice apartment, though at times it seems like its too much work because everything seems to be falling apart, I know that its the best I can do right now and I'm okay with it. I am talking to my Mom again, which is weird.
We don't touch the subject of being Gay, but we can talk and be cival with one another, which I think is both strange and great. I don't hate her anymore which I probably shouldn't have in the first place, I've realized dealing with people like her in the world, through my work or on the streets. I've realized that some people are just ignorant and stuck in their ways, and it's not my fault that I can't make them see that my lifestyle is normal. They have their life and I have mine.
I feel like i've somewhat grown a lot in the past couple months, I've dealt with personal struggles where my inner demons threatened to take over my life. I'm in a good place right now and for the first time in months i'm happy.
I've met some pretty great people working at the movie theater, people who have changed my opinions of people, people who have restored my faith in finding worthwhile people in this town. I don't see a lot of my old friends but I think about them almost every single day, I miss the old times.
I've met some amazing Men these past couple months, ones that make me realize what i've been missing. I like dating different guys, going to the mall or grabbing lunch or having dinner, I'm happy with being single.
Its funny to me that I can go weeks or months without a guy giving me a second look, but when one guy is interested, there are 2 or 3 more that suddenly are. I don't mean to sound stuck up or arrogant, but its weird to have a different types of guys interested in me.
I've found with this one guy I've gone on a couple dates with that I need to learn so much more then I have been, I need to sign up for college. Not to sound stupid but talking with him makes me feel dumb, only because of the big words and deep conversations. I am not getting down on myself but I've needed a good, worthwhile conversation, and with him its never-ending.
I've heard some rumors floating around Saint George about me, Which I find strange because I was once the "Gay Guy" that everyone was curious about because they have never heard of me, but it turns out that someone is spreading nasty rumors, and though I can't help it. I wish I could just set everyone straight on the matter, I was going to list the rumors on here and disprove them each, but I am not even wasting my time on them. People can think what they want about me, I know who I am. I know my self-worth.
I've been talking to this other guy and i've been reading his blog... let me tell you..its probably one of the most beautiful things i've ever read... I want my blog to be something that brings me people to tears, or helps someone realize something to help them in their life. I'm starting this blog as me, Nicholas Michael Irwin Goodman, no more hiding no more pretending.
I am me.
Thank you all for reading, I look forward to reading all of your blogs, I love catching up with each of you through your words, You all Inspire me to be better!
-Nick
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