Trying To Fix It

Everything seems out of my control,

Life swirls around me and I hold my breath, wait for the spinning to stop. For a moment hoping that I can get away from everything.

Voices.

People that I see, so many personal recordings in my head. A friend of mine told me tonight, that everytime he sees certain people, he thinks of a song.

Everyone has their own form of remembering people, a smell, a feeling, a song. Something that gets bound to that person.

I hear voices, memories, thoughts, laughter ideas, when I see someone I know I have a freeze-framed image, time and place of that person. It plays like a movie in my head, so fast you probably wouldn't be able to see. I wonder if that's normal.

What is normal? I've never seemed to make the cut, never strong enough, manly enough, feminine enough, talkative, too quiet, too shy, to brave, to flamboyant, not Gay enough.

Ever since I can remember, i've never fit in. I tried.

It seems that my way of thinking is far too different,

I'm always thinking, my mind is a fast-spinning machine.

Does he like me? Am I doing a good job? Why is that this way? Why does it happen like that? How long have they been together? Does she know how pretty she is? That shirt doesn't match, wonder if she knows.

There is always something is shooting around, but if you ask me what's on my mind, i'll draw a blank. Suddenly things go quiet, when it's time to redeem myself, from something stupid i've said or done before, and I screw it up.

I don't really fit in with the Gays,
I don't really fit in with the straight guys,
I don't really fit in with the girls,
I don't fit in with my family, most of the time

Where do I belong, the over-thinker. The one who is trying.

I've been told i'm different, that's a compliment, in a world of so much similarities, I like standing out the ways I do, its just frustrating.

I get so down sometimes, I literally feel like i'm suddenly in a small room and its filling with water.
It's getting higher, no door. All I can do is watching it fill in around me, burning me, filling past my mouth, screaming inside. Past my nose, stinging my nose, past my eyes, blurring them , I wait for it to consume me.

I feel hollow sometimes, I'll be standing at work, waiting for a text from a particular someone, waiting to matter again.

I feel like an empty shell, staring forward, stepping out of my body and looking around at my life for right now. Job that's not quite right, not quite challenging enough, when people talk to me I feel their voice echoing inside like the Tinman, hoping they don't hear.

I've lost so many of my friends, not being available enough, but when I am free, nothing goes on.
Timing seems to be working against me lately.

I work all day, come home. want to go out and nothing is happening, so I get ready for nothing, text around... nada..

but the day I've worked all day and I come \home and crash, I have texts inviting me to parties I can't go to because I work early, or I don't have a ride, or Gas.

I have to hope this is temporary.

Had a long talk with J.P.

I don't know why I ever complain about him, he is amazing. I just wish he had more time for me.
A simple text would put my mind at rest, I need to learn to trust people again. I want to move closer to him.. but i'm terrified.. what if I move and he still doesn't have time for me... What would I do then?

If I start school here then i'm still far away, away from his touch.

Haven't seen him in a month, the distance helps me to think of just ending things..but I tried that.. But I dreamt about him, I dreamt I was running, I would see his face everywhere, Every song was him. Every glance from a stranger, or the sunset. He was the stars, missing him is so hard. Missing every part of him...

My mind starts a frenzied storm when I think to much about him, wondering what he's up to. Wondering why i'm not important enough to make a trip down for lunch with, or call just because he wanted to hear my voice.


My mind is this locked vault, It makes me dizzy all the things I think about,
Blogging helps so much, helping me pour out a little of me, its so risky.. Letting people into your head should never be easy, typing this, letting my fingers tip tap at the keys, spelling out my thoughts isn't easy..

I know things will get better,
Things are okay, and sure I wonder about JP, but for now..I'm his. I just wish he would let me know how much he cares, i've tried to talk to him, we see affection on different levels.

I just want to be loved, to be missed, wanted, cared for , and treated right..

Phew.. I am tired..

Thank you for reading, it means alot.

-nick