Drowning In Thoughts

Do you ever have those days that you feel like the world is going to collapse if you take one more step? Moments that happen at one time that almost makes you shut down.


It's hard to blog knowing my little audience, I don't want to offend anyone. I don't want anyone to think of me as a bad person, or crazy or whatever.

Life right now is just making me dizzy, so much going on.

J.P. is distant, says that he loves me. Says that my ability to date other guys is my choice, to just let him know. 

When he first told me I thought "No, I don't want anyone else"

But now that i've thought about it, it seems like the only thing I want is to be happy, and with him I am.. Most of the time.

   Which path do I choose? I stay with J.P. and be miserable not seeing him, not hearing from him, knowing that when I do see him, all the negative thoughts will go away and it will be pure bliss. There is always the time when I leave, or he leaves and the rush of sadness comes back because I wonder when I will get to see him next, 1 day, 5, a week?  Its hard.

Meeting someone else has made me realize how much I just want to date, J.P. is looking for someone to settle down with, and I am not sure if I am what he wants, and I am just starting life.

I am a strong believer in fate, in destiny and all things happening for a reason.

What was the reason for me meeting J.P. To experience a wonderful man, and then let him leave to find his somone?

I have alot to learn about life, I don't think anyone really knows everything about it. Why things happen. Why certain people come into our lives at certain times,

I think about the past men i've dated, I kinda learned something from each one. Someone that I can take away from it and learn to be better, but lately its hard just learning lessons.

I am not a player, I don't "play" people. I am real because that's what I seek in the world. People who are judge free, not afraid to be who they are, people who never put a front because they are afraid of people might think,

I wear glitter, and nailpolish not because that's a typical GAY thing, I do it because its fun to stand out, to bend the rules so life is interesting.  I've said it before and i'll say it again..  "Life is far too short to go through it unnoticed"

I am just...so torn.. I have no idea what to do. I don't want J.P. to walk out of my life.. but at the same time I want to experience what life has to offer,  I'm not a slutty guy, but I want to date guys, go see movies, hold hands and just have fun in life.. I'm sick of being forgotten, of being pushed aside, of being treated like i'm less of person.

I am Nicholas Michael Irwin Goodman, I am different and I will make it in this world because Im a fighter, I will stand up for what I believe in and I will grow old with the man that I love, who ever he might be.


I'm ready to live. ready to have fun and be myself.

thank you for reading..

-nick