At A Loss

Lately its like the world wants too much of my attention,


Where is the balance? Ending things with J.P. was hard, but it made me realize that I need to get out and date,

but why does it hurt so much.

The new guy i've been going on dates with has grown super attached, I don't really know what to do.

I can't help but wonder if I was the clingy, needy one with J.P. I certainly bring him up every spare moment on here.. I don't mean to keep dwelling on it, but it's hard to sever that connection we had, it was messy, it was hard, but it was kinda beautiful..

I feel like i'm stuck in the cement, I can't move.

I tried things with another guy but it just happened too fast, the things he is saying.. he fell for me very fast and the more he mentions it, or tells me I shouldn't see anyone else.. it makes him so less attractive to me.

He is lonely, hes broken. Like me.
But two broken people don't fix eachother, they pieces don't just mesh and repair themselves.

    I'm trying to fix myself and it doesn't help that all the jagged pieces of him are shredding at me,

I sound selfish, I finally find someone who's into me 100 percent, but then I realize he doesn't know me.

All these guys they fall for me, not sounding cocky or arrogant.. but they fall for me, then they really get to know me and they lose interest.

Sometimes I can be crazy

Sometimes I can be needy

Sometimes I can so busy you never see me

Sometimes I am so free its insane but they can never hang out.

When will the timing be right..

Despite how much I say i'm lonely.. I don't need a relationship right now..

I'm going to the gym, i'm going to get in shape.

Meanwhile I am just going to take things slow..

I still want J.P. though I should just move on, but there is that thing in the back of my mind wondering if he was the one.. it sounds stupid because.. I am young. There is plenty of time to meet my guy.

I need to sit Nel down to and explain things to him like I have, that I simply can't deal with someone needing attention all the time,

I need to talk to J.P. I am not sure whether to tell him I still have feelings for him, or just stay friends and not tell him that I still dream about him
think about him
crave him

want him..

We've been texting,

Funny things, playful banter,

I've missed it.

Not sure what to do..

My head hurts..

I guess I will just see how things go, date when I can...

I crave to be weightless, to wake up and not worry.. not hurt..

"Every we choice were making, every road we take every interaction starts a chain reaction, Were both effected when we least expect it when.. We Dance.. When we laugh, when we TOUCH" -Natasha Bedingfield

I'm headed to bed,

anyone out there...?

*taps on the screen*

ah well

-nick