The Escape

Hello,


This is a topic that i've wanted to talk about for a while.

It may sound a bit silly but I really want to convey what I'm feeling about this certain subject.

Escape.

A technique that is used in SuckerPunch,
I've just realized that I haven't blogged about that movie.. Which is a shame because it IS BEAUTIFUL!

I want to talk about it but I don't want to ruin it for anyone who hasn't seen it.. Ha! Who am I kidding, the people who read my blog.. The whole 4 have probably already seen it.. ah well..

I just loved it because it basically tells you, If you dont like the situation that your in, or you just need to get away from the pain, sorrow or boredom...Simply escape through your mind

Gather your courage, your will , the drive to get someone you want all these things are stronger then a sword or a gun. Courage lasts, it courses through you, it can become you until all that's left is a strong-willed unstoppable person.

   Though its just a movie I use the Escape technique often, and to my surprise it works.

I've always had an overactive imagination, I day-dreamed all day in school, and in church when I was little. When I didn't like what was going on, I could fill the world I was seeing with scenarios,

The floor could open up and led to strange places, or the chalk board would slide down and I'd climb through to a place far away from where I started.

Growing up, going through high school, it stuck with me... but not so childish.. I don't want you to think of me as some spacey guy, some weirdo always staring at the ceiling and looking lost..

I have found I can leave whenever I want, I have just recently tried it at the gym. I was on the elliptical and I was only 5 minutes in... I closed my eyes, and the movie that was playing.. I think it was 50 First Dates.. faded.. the machine whir slowed and I was alone.

I was running through fields, dangerously fast, running jumping. Never tiring, Never slowing, Finding lost things, basically running through the landscape of my mind. Imagining this maze that is ever growing,

I open my eyes and the sweat stings them, the number on the machine says 60 minutes. I'm not tired, but I step off and i'm still running, not sure if its in my head but its hard to walk slow.

I feel great, I open the door and leave the darkened room and journey to the machines, wishing and craving the feeling of slipping away, creating Mundane into Magnificent.


The mind is a very powerful thing,

Try changing your world, open secret passageways in the office when your watching the clock tick away.

Turn your shopping cart into a Mario Kart speedway, and surf through the store.

Some people say that dwelling in your imagination is an unheathly place, because your never apart of the normal world..

But I see it as making life more exciting, dealing with what you've been given and making the best of it.

Me and J.P. are doing great.

I am done messing around with other guys, as hard as it might be.. He Loves me.. I owe it to him to give him my all.

Close your eyes, find your Escape and leave the boring behind.. ...DO IT!

:)

Life Is

I've been thinking the past couple of days,


Life is messy


Life is sucky

Life is unfair at times

Life is unnoticed by the people who need to see it,

Life is hard for some

Life is easy for others

But i've realized that life, all that we do, is an adventure.

Life sucks, Life is Messy.. SO WHAT!

Life is short

Life is beautiful

Life is Messy.. Crazy, wonderful, silly, magical and breathtaking.

Life is okay.

No matter who we fall in and out in love with,

whether we grow old with someone or die alone,

Its not about the happy ending people, its about the story. Taking chances, making steps to change the mundane into magical.

Every choice we make starts a reaction,

just live life, make friends

Fall in and out of Love

Enjoy every second

-nick

At A Loss

Lately its like the world wants too much of my attention,


Where is the balance? Ending things with J.P. was hard, but it made me realize that I need to get out and date,

but why does it hurt so much.

The new guy i've been going on dates with has grown super attached, I don't really know what to do.

I can't help but wonder if I was the clingy, needy one with J.P. I certainly bring him up every spare moment on here.. I don't mean to keep dwelling on it, but it's hard to sever that connection we had, it was messy, it was hard, but it was kinda beautiful..

I feel like i'm stuck in the cement, I can't move.

I tried things with another guy but it just happened too fast, the things he is saying.. he fell for me very fast and the more he mentions it, or tells me I shouldn't see anyone else.. it makes him so less attractive to me.

He is lonely, hes broken. Like me.
But two broken people don't fix eachother, they pieces don't just mesh and repair themselves.

    I'm trying to fix myself and it doesn't help that all the jagged pieces of him are shredding at me,

I sound selfish, I finally find someone who's into me 100 percent, but then I realize he doesn't know me.

All these guys they fall for me, not sounding cocky or arrogant.. but they fall for me, then they really get to know me and they lose interest.

Sometimes I can be crazy

Sometimes I can be needy

Sometimes I can so busy you never see me

Sometimes I am so free its insane but they can never hang out.

When will the timing be right..

Despite how much I say i'm lonely.. I don't need a relationship right now..

I'm going to the gym, i'm going to get in shape.

Meanwhile I am just going to take things slow..

I still want J.P. though I should just move on, but there is that thing in the back of my mind wondering if he was the one.. it sounds stupid because.. I am young. There is plenty of time to meet my guy.

I need to sit Nel down to and explain things to him like I have, that I simply can't deal with someone needing attention all the time,

I need to talk to J.P. I am not sure whether to tell him I still have feelings for him, or just stay friends and not tell him that I still dream about him
think about him
crave him

want him..

We've been texting,

Funny things, playful banter,

I've missed it.

Not sure what to do..

My head hurts..

I guess I will just see how things go, date when I can...

I crave to be weightless, to wake up and not worry.. not hurt..

"Every we choice were making, every road we take every interaction starts a chain reaction, Were both effected when we least expect it when.. We Dance.. When we laugh, when we TOUCH" -Natasha Bedingfield

I'm headed to bed,

anyone out there...?

*taps on the screen*

ah well

-nick

Broken and still unfixed

J.P. is talking to one of my past guys.

I don't mean to put that like i've had a billion, but there are reasons why it didn't last with the previous guys.

It hurt hearing it from him though,

I know I called things off because the distance hurt so much..

Confession..

I cried every single time J.P. left or I left him. Every . Single Time.


I cried because I had no idea when i'd see him next.

I cried because I didn't want him meeting someone more amazing then me.

So selfish that I don't want him with someone like the guy he's talking too now..

I've told him that the only reason I put a hold on things because the distance was too damn hard! I still care about him..

And the guy i've been dating, he is sweet and kind, but he is also very attached to me already.

After 2 weeks, I just want to date, have fun and look for what I want.

I think I might be hurting this new guy more and more everyday, because I dont want a relationship right now, I just ended one with the greatest man that I've ever met. I am not ready to just dive in with someone else.

I don't know what to do. I ask for help

Screaming for people to help me decide, but no one knows. All the advice that i've got is to have fun, that i'm young... but what about all the connections i'm making, all the ones i'm breaking, possibly ruining forever..


I'm sick to my stomach,

I dont know what to do..

Pursue things with Nel, date him and become boyfriends as easy as that.

Or do I date around, there are some guys that I haven't given a chance, and I feel so horrible becasue.. if hes reading this.. which I doubt he is, I do want to go on a date with him.

The world is spinning so fast I cant hold on.

Do I hold on and get sick and dizzy, or do I let go.. where its easy.

Never leave my house , i've gotten in that mind set before..

After a breakup I never left my room, never really ate.

Never drank anything, just sat.

Very unhealthy I get it.. but.. shit.. its the only way to escape heartbreak,

Life is about finding what you want, riding the waves and going through the ups and downs until you get it right..

but I am done with the storm..

when is it easy..


When is it just simple..

I think I already know the answer..

Its Never.
"If life were easy, where would all the adventures be"

Cinderella wouldnt have met her prince if she never worked her way to the ball,

Ariel would never have experienced life first hand if she didn't mess up, break the rules and journey to the impossible.

Belle went looking for her father in the forest, was brave enough to stay with the beast, though terrible at first she learned that beauty is within.

All these fairy tales showed that life isnt as easy as it seems..

But its hard living through all the twist and turns...

I'm stressed about school

about money

about rent

about finding another roomie.

wondering who my real friends are

missing my old ones..

Love.. and its own confusing headaches...

I feel empty..

there ya go.. I said it.

IM EMPTY

Submerge

The still pictures that I see everyday blind me in seconds,

click click click click

Cameras in my head threaten to overheat, click click

Laughing at lost jokes, trying to find them in the air.


I'm falling. I'm loving this.

Hidden messages in songs, undertones of something beautiful.

How I Became The Sea by Owl City

A love song,

A song about shedding the unnecesary things in life,

finding your soulmate and putting everything at risk,

tearing down all your walls, so its just you and them.

Submerged in the music, feeling the notes surround.

Swept up in the melody, craving for it to fill me up.

I breath out the poison and breath in light.

I'm whole again.

I cry because I crave this feeling always

To be happy.

Constant grief and sadness is all I tend to lean towards.

I want to be happy. To feel like I belong.

Why is it only here that I feel the most connected.

Uptight, wound and bound.

Released from my prison,

Shattered glass mends.

Here things make sense,

Lost things found in darkness,

Surviving on this feeling

-------------------


I break the surface, breathing in the air.

I remember.

I'm sad.

I'm alone.

I'm confused.

Lifting higher out of the water,

Hating the surface.

Looking down at the shimmering water of the well,

Dare I jump in from this distance..

I climb to the edge and sit, remembering the touch

Remember the taste.

For now all I can do is look.

Stare..

Want.

Need.

Crave..

wait.

Lose myself in the screams

Half Life

"I knew that I'd get like this again
That's why I try to keep at bay
Be a hundred percent when I'm with you and then
A perfect heart's length away

The stickler is you've played not one beat wrong
You never promised me anything
Even sat me down, warned me just how they fall
And I knew the odds were I'd never win

yet here I am
It's a half life
With you as my quarterback
A daft life

My self-worth measured in text back tempo
It's been 2 days and 8 minutes too slow
There may well be others but I still like to pretend
That I'm the one you really want to grow old with

You've got a schedule to stick to
Got a world to keep sweet
You're so much to everyone all the time
Will you ever slow down? Will I ever come first?
The universe contracts to sign
Hold me darling, please

It's a half life
With you as my quarterback
A daft life
It's a half life
With you as my quarterback
A daft life

You know you'll never be lonely
You know you'll always be loved
And maybe you'll never need more than that
But of the surplus that loves, what's to become of us?
Does it even register on your conscience?

Long for one last showdown
From a box in the crowd, air compressed tight to explode
I'm clenching my ticket to the only way out
As you disappear in a puff of smoke

It's a half life
With you as my quarterback
A daft life "
 -Imogen Heap   Half Life

Everyone reading needs to hear this song, go to youtube or google it.

This song describes how I feel about J.P.
I felt us cracking, the distance being too much, a small tiny crack burst into a spider-web crack, and that fell about into nothing at all.

I want to date, I want to have fun. I met someone, nothing serious.. but I am just seeing how it works out. I am just going to be focusing on me. on being single

I've never been selfish, I put others first but right now.... As much as i'm hurting over losing J.P.. I know that if its meant to be, maybe we will meet in the future, maybe we won't.

Perhaps I wasn't grown up enough to last in such a long distance relationship.. I just couldn't keep telling J.P. I loved him, and then hang out with other guys..I just felt like it wasn't fair to him.

He was sad and now hes angry, he tells me he put alot of trust in me. He fell in love with me and I just...threw him down into the dirt..

Am I a horrible person for wanting someone close?
Tired of waiting to be happy, It was always waiting with J.P. Waiting to see him, waiting to know when I'd see him next..

I'm going to just be single..

I keep crying every time I hear a song or a tie that leads me back to J.P. But I have to realize that it wasnt meant to be..

But tell me... am I selfish? I couldn't fix the crack. They just keep getting worse..

The song Half Life is exactly how I feel..

"My self worth measured in text-back tempo, its been 3 days and 8 minutes too slow. Well there may well be others but I still like to pretend that i'm the one you want to grow old with. "

I am tired of living a half life. Tired of flakey roomates.

Tired of hurting.. What is the point of getting close to someone if it just makes you that much more fragile..

Tired of breaking..

-nick

Drowning In Thoughts

Do you ever have those days that you feel like the world is going to collapse if you take one more step? Moments that happen at one time that almost makes you shut down.


It's hard to blog knowing my little audience, I don't want to offend anyone. I don't want anyone to think of me as a bad person, or crazy or whatever.

Life right now is just making me dizzy, so much going on.

J.P. is distant, says that he loves me. Says that my ability to date other guys is my choice, to just let him know. 

When he first told me I thought "No, I don't want anyone else"

But now that i've thought about it, it seems like the only thing I want is to be happy, and with him I am.. Most of the time.

   Which path do I choose? I stay with J.P. and be miserable not seeing him, not hearing from him, knowing that when I do see him, all the negative thoughts will go away and it will be pure bliss. There is always the time when I leave, or he leaves and the rush of sadness comes back because I wonder when I will get to see him next, 1 day, 5, a week?  Its hard.

Meeting someone else has made me realize how much I just want to date, J.P. is looking for someone to settle down with, and I am not sure if I am what he wants, and I am just starting life.

I am a strong believer in fate, in destiny and all things happening for a reason.

What was the reason for me meeting J.P. To experience a wonderful man, and then let him leave to find his somone?

I have alot to learn about life, I don't think anyone really knows everything about it. Why things happen. Why certain people come into our lives at certain times,

I think about the past men i've dated, I kinda learned something from each one. Someone that I can take away from it and learn to be better, but lately its hard just learning lessons.

I am not a player, I don't "play" people. I am real because that's what I seek in the world. People who are judge free, not afraid to be who they are, people who never put a front because they are afraid of people might think,

I wear glitter, and nailpolish not because that's a typical GAY thing, I do it because its fun to stand out, to bend the rules so life is interesting.  I've said it before and i'll say it again..  "Life is far too short to go through it unnoticed"

I am just...so torn.. I have no idea what to do. I don't want J.P. to walk out of my life.. but at the same time I want to experience what life has to offer,  I'm not a slutty guy, but I want to date guys, go see movies, hold hands and just have fun in life.. I'm sick of being forgotten, of being pushed aside, of being treated like i'm less of person.

I am Nicholas Michael Irwin Goodman, I am different and I will make it in this world because Im a fighter, I will stand up for what I believe in and I will grow old with the man that I love, who ever he might be.


I'm ready to live. ready to have fun and be myself.

thank you for reading..

-nick