Broken and still unfixed

J.P. is talking to one of my past guys.

I don't mean to put that like i've had a billion, but there are reasons why it didn't last with the previous guys.

It hurt hearing it from him though,

I know I called things off because the distance hurt so much..

Confession..

I cried every single time J.P. left or I left him. Every . Single Time.


I cried because I had no idea when i'd see him next.

I cried because I didn't want him meeting someone more amazing then me.

So selfish that I don't want him with someone like the guy he's talking too now..

I've told him that the only reason I put a hold on things because the distance was too damn hard! I still care about him..

And the guy i've been dating, he is sweet and kind, but he is also very attached to me already.

After 2 weeks, I just want to date, have fun and look for what I want.

I think I might be hurting this new guy more and more everyday, because I dont want a relationship right now, I just ended one with the greatest man that I've ever met. I am not ready to just dive in with someone else.

I don't know what to do. I ask for help

Screaming for people to help me decide, but no one knows. All the advice that i've got is to have fun, that i'm young... but what about all the connections i'm making, all the ones i'm breaking, possibly ruining forever..


I'm sick to my stomach,

I dont know what to do..

Pursue things with Nel, date him and become boyfriends as easy as that.

Or do I date around, there are some guys that I haven't given a chance, and I feel so horrible becasue.. if hes reading this.. which I doubt he is, I do want to go on a date with him.

The world is spinning so fast I cant hold on.

Do I hold on and get sick and dizzy, or do I let go.. where its easy.

Never leave my house , i've gotten in that mind set before..

After a breakup I never left my room, never really ate.

Never drank anything, just sat.

Very unhealthy I get it.. but.. shit.. its the only way to escape heartbreak,

Life is about finding what you want, riding the waves and going through the ups and downs until you get it right..

but I am done with the storm..

when is it easy..


When is it just simple..

I think I already know the answer..

Its Never.
"If life were easy, where would all the adventures be"

Cinderella wouldnt have met her prince if she never worked her way to the ball,

Ariel would never have experienced life first hand if she didn't mess up, break the rules and journey to the impossible.

Belle went looking for her father in the forest, was brave enough to stay with the beast, though terrible at first she learned that beauty is within.

All these fairy tales showed that life isnt as easy as it seems..

But its hard living through all the twist and turns...

I'm stressed about school

about money

about rent

about finding another roomie.

wondering who my real friends are

missing my old ones..

Love.. and its own confusing headaches...

I feel empty..

there ya go.. I said it.

IM EMPTY

Submerge

The still pictures that I see everyday blind me in seconds,

click click click click

Cameras in my head threaten to overheat, click click

Laughing at lost jokes, trying to find them in the air.


I'm falling. I'm loving this.

Hidden messages in songs, undertones of something beautiful.

How I Became The Sea by Owl City

A love song,

A song about shedding the unnecesary things in life,

finding your soulmate and putting everything at risk,

tearing down all your walls, so its just you and them.

Submerged in the music, feeling the notes surround.

Swept up in the melody, craving for it to fill me up.

I breath out the poison and breath in light.

I'm whole again.

I cry because I crave this feeling always

To be happy.

Constant grief and sadness is all I tend to lean towards.

I want to be happy. To feel like I belong.

Why is it only here that I feel the most connected.

Uptight, wound and bound.

Released from my prison,

Shattered glass mends.

Here things make sense,

Lost things found in darkness,

Surviving on this feeling

-------------------


I break the surface, breathing in the air.

I remember.

I'm sad.

I'm alone.

I'm confused.

Lifting higher out of the water,

Hating the surface.

Looking down at the shimmering water of the well,

Dare I jump in from this distance..

I climb to the edge and sit, remembering the touch

Remember the taste.

For now all I can do is look.

Stare..

Want.

Need.

Crave..

wait.

Lose myself in the screams

Half Life

"I knew that I'd get like this again
That's why I try to keep at bay
Be a hundred percent when I'm with you and then
A perfect heart's length away

The stickler is you've played not one beat wrong
You never promised me anything
Even sat me down, warned me just how they fall
And I knew the odds were I'd never win

yet here I am
It's a half life
With you as my quarterback
A daft life

My self-worth measured in text back tempo
It's been 2 days and 8 minutes too slow
There may well be others but I still like to pretend
That I'm the one you really want to grow old with

You've got a schedule to stick to
Got a world to keep sweet
You're so much to everyone all the time
Will you ever slow down? Will I ever come first?
The universe contracts to sign
Hold me darling, please

It's a half life
With you as my quarterback
A daft life
It's a half life
With you as my quarterback
A daft life

You know you'll never be lonely
You know you'll always be loved
And maybe you'll never need more than that
But of the surplus that loves, what's to become of us?
Does it even register on your conscience?

Long for one last showdown
From a box in the crowd, air compressed tight to explode
I'm clenching my ticket to the only way out
As you disappear in a puff of smoke

It's a half life
With you as my quarterback
A daft life "
 -Imogen Heap   Half Life

Everyone reading needs to hear this song, go to youtube or google it.

This song describes how I feel about J.P.
I felt us cracking, the distance being too much, a small tiny crack burst into a spider-web crack, and that fell about into nothing at all.

I want to date, I want to have fun. I met someone, nothing serious.. but I am just seeing how it works out. I am just going to be focusing on me. on being single

I've never been selfish, I put others first but right now.... As much as i'm hurting over losing J.P.. I know that if its meant to be, maybe we will meet in the future, maybe we won't.

Perhaps I wasn't grown up enough to last in such a long distance relationship.. I just couldn't keep telling J.P. I loved him, and then hang out with other guys..I just felt like it wasn't fair to him.

He was sad and now hes angry, he tells me he put alot of trust in me. He fell in love with me and I just...threw him down into the dirt..

Am I a horrible person for wanting someone close?
Tired of waiting to be happy, It was always waiting with J.P. Waiting to see him, waiting to know when I'd see him next..

I'm going to just be single..

I keep crying every time I hear a song or a tie that leads me back to J.P. But I have to realize that it wasnt meant to be..

But tell me... am I selfish? I couldn't fix the crack. They just keep getting worse..

The song Half Life is exactly how I feel..

"My self worth measured in text-back tempo, its been 3 days and 8 minutes too slow. Well there may well be others but I still like to pretend that i'm the one you want to grow old with. "

I am tired of living a half life. Tired of flakey roomates.

Tired of hurting.. What is the point of getting close to someone if it just makes you that much more fragile..

Tired of breaking..

-nick

Drowning In Thoughts

Do you ever have those days that you feel like the world is going to collapse if you take one more step? Moments that happen at one time that almost makes you shut down.


It's hard to blog knowing my little audience, I don't want to offend anyone. I don't want anyone to think of me as a bad person, or crazy or whatever.

Life right now is just making me dizzy, so much going on.

J.P. is distant, says that he loves me. Says that my ability to date other guys is my choice, to just let him know. 

When he first told me I thought "No, I don't want anyone else"

But now that i've thought about it, it seems like the only thing I want is to be happy, and with him I am.. Most of the time.

   Which path do I choose? I stay with J.P. and be miserable not seeing him, not hearing from him, knowing that when I do see him, all the negative thoughts will go away and it will be pure bliss. There is always the time when I leave, or he leaves and the rush of sadness comes back because I wonder when I will get to see him next, 1 day, 5, a week?  Its hard.

Meeting someone else has made me realize how much I just want to date, J.P. is looking for someone to settle down with, and I am not sure if I am what he wants, and I am just starting life.

I am a strong believer in fate, in destiny and all things happening for a reason.

What was the reason for me meeting J.P. To experience a wonderful man, and then let him leave to find his somone?

I have alot to learn about life, I don't think anyone really knows everything about it. Why things happen. Why certain people come into our lives at certain times,

I think about the past men i've dated, I kinda learned something from each one. Someone that I can take away from it and learn to be better, but lately its hard just learning lessons.

I am not a player, I don't "play" people. I am real because that's what I seek in the world. People who are judge free, not afraid to be who they are, people who never put a front because they are afraid of people might think,

I wear glitter, and nailpolish not because that's a typical GAY thing, I do it because its fun to stand out, to bend the rules so life is interesting.  I've said it before and i'll say it again..  "Life is far too short to go through it unnoticed"

I am just...so torn.. I have no idea what to do. I don't want J.P. to walk out of my life.. but at the same time I want to experience what life has to offer,  I'm not a slutty guy, but I want to date guys, go see movies, hold hands and just have fun in life.. I'm sick of being forgotten, of being pushed aside, of being treated like i'm less of person.

I am Nicholas Michael Irwin Goodman, I am different and I will make it in this world because Im a fighter, I will stand up for what I believe in and I will grow old with the man that I love, who ever he might be.


I'm ready to live. ready to have fun and be myself.

thank you for reading..

-nick

Broken and Fixed

To start off,

   I apologize (yet again) for my up and down type posts, one day you'll smile because i'll say something witty (its bound to happen sometime) and other times I say things that make people sad or depressed.

Thats life for me, this roller coaster of not knowing what's coming next, To be honest it can be exhausting at times, and my patience does wear thin from time to time.

Life is a Ride. Enjoy It.

Some days it can fly by faster then you want it to,

other times its long, harsh and cruel, but its how you take it at the end of the day that matters.


I came home from work in a wonderful mood, despite things going on at work that I can't really explain on here..Work frustrates me to be honest, and I will hold off on my comments knowing one of my readers :) I usually don't have a filter on here but I think I need to for this subject. ****************CLASSIFIED INFORMATION*********** Special Permission Required :

password  ___________



ANYWAY. Work was okay, I get home and my roomie tells me to go look up CraigsList.

I go and pull up one of the postings for the day, and I see My J.P. all lovely and wonderful posting for a hookup.. and ... it killed me..

I guess I didn't realize how fragile I can be, in this case I shattered. I went to my room.. and just collapsed.. knowing that he said he loved me, but he was posting for someone else, someone better, someone not me.

    We have had the talk a few times now and he is still the same answer, that a relationship puts too many behavior disadvantages, and I get it.  We can technically date who we want when we want.

I won't lie, i've had my mistakes at parties kissing a guy, but i've realized that I don't want something cheap, someone that will only last a second.. I want lasting, wonderful, I want J.P. No matter if he feels as strongly or not.

So I was heartbroken, confused, hurt.

I called and left him a message , that when it when to voicemail that set me off even more, thinking that someone had replied to his post,

What can I say, I get jealous. But if you saw J.P. like I do, you'd get it..

So I left the apartment after a spur of the moment feng shui of my room,
I needed to go anywhere, be anywhere , just cease to be all at once. I ended up at the closing game of the Rebels football team where my cousins were, they pulled me aside and I told them I needed to leave, that I was suddenly swallowed up by so many things going through my head..

I ended up going to my neighbors down the street and watched SUCKERPUNCH, And loved the True Escape idea of the film.

J.P. called and texted that we needed to talk and when we did....I was so relieved.. and a bit angry.

Apparently an Ex of J.P. posted the post on Craigslist, that he wanted me, just me. He apologized for the mis understaning, and only for a moment did I wonder if he was just trying to back step out of something he was caught int. But I realized that J.P. Is wonderful, amazing and I am in Love with him, so We talked it through and we are okay.. Though he didn't tell me which Ex it was, only giving me the three words that will rot in my mind for who knows how long.. "You. Know. Him"

I hope it works out that whoever it was gets in trouble for posting a post under someone elses name and picture..

I now know that J.P. wouldn't do that.

He is sensational, though he often doubts it. He really is a catch,

Whether I get him for days, months or even years.. The most important thing is, I Get Him. I got to know someone who restored my faith in the world of Love. Its out there, in unexpecting and breath taking, and should be cherished every second we have it, no matter what the time limit.

So cherish all the little moments and don't hate them when they are gone, be greatful you were there to live them.

Think I spit out enough quotes?

:)  Nicholas Michael Irwin Goodman

Wonderful

Hey,


Despite my last depressing post (that is now deleted) I'd like to update you that i'm happy again. Me and J.P. talked everything out. Nothing has changed but I realized how great he is and how I don't want things to be messed up..



I bought tickets to The Little Mermaid at Tuacahn a couple weeks ago, thinking it would be a great date to take J.P. On.


The day started off not as planned, he called saying his car was broken. I then drove up to his house and picked him him, which wasn't bad at all,

We went to dinner, talked , laughed

Went to Little Mermaid, It was AAMMMAZING ! I only saw a little more then half of the play because in the middle of a number it began to rain, and that turned into a downpour. They called off the show for 30 minutes, we waited to see if it would stop and we ended up leaving early.

Here I was leaving what I had been waiting for , for weeks now. But I knew that I wasn't excited about Little Mermaid, I wanted to spend time with J.P. No matter where we were.

We headed home, popped in a movie and made Dr.Pepper floats and just talked. It was wonderful.

We are still just dating, which.. now that I see the reasoning behind it. It makes sense. He is in Love with him , and I him, what more is there to ask.

Life is okay.

Its not perfect yet, but perfect would be boring. I'm fine with okay.

I'm in Love.

I would still like to go on dates with other guys, there is one in perticular I want to go on a date with, I just dont want to seem like a player.. but I'm not with anyone, Im single and enjoying life

Thanks for reading my rants, i'll come up with something worthy of blogging eventually