My life in the past couple of weeks has been in a word.... uneventful.
The guy i've been seeing has been sorta busy, I miss him like crazy! In a week or so i'll be able to see him, i've been busy with work and its hard to find time to plan something with him. I hope it lets up soon because I am craving him, everything about him, his lips, his touch, his voice, his laugh. His giant sweeping eyelashes, his big brown eyes, it takes my breath away thinking about him.
On my old blog everytime I would talk about a guy on here it would quickly turn sour, so i'm not going into much detail. Wouldn't want to jinx it. Its safe to say that i'm falling in love with him, and its nice to feel that way.
The past couple months have been HELL due to one crazy guy in perticular, I don't even want to spend time talking about him. He is crazy, and not well and I dont want to waste energy on him, hes not worth it. I just wish he was out of my life for good, knowing that as long as my roomate Kyle is living here, the connection is there, weak but still there..
I've been missing my old friends lately, My old roomie who moved out.. My friend that moved to Logan, Cedar and other places around the world that prevents me from seeing them every day....
______________________________________________________________________
Alright to be honest I left yesterday and lost the train of thought for that blog, but i'm going to do my best to finish..
Cravings.. I want and need to see him again, every time I think about him I realize how special he is to me. We were talking on the phone and he said it was so hard to be away, not being able to see me.. This sounds selfish, but i really hope he hasnt met anyone else.
I just find it so frustrating, our situation. He doesn't want to be official and I get that, I know i'm not 100 percent what he wants, but he makes me so happy. I know I should just take it one day at a time, its just hard to not fall deeper in Love with him.. He is Perfect... I miss him
pointless blog post.. I think so
-Nick
Tuesday, June 21, 2011
Sunday, June 12, 2011
It's About TIME
What is Time?
How come the times when we want something to end, like a bad birthday party or a visit from an Aunt. Time seems to stretch, you check the clock and the second hand slows to a stop. That every single moment your wanting it to end , the clock ticks sluggishly away, torturting you.
Then there are the times you want to to last, to freeze or stop. Times when you with someone you love or when you finally achieve something you tried for years.
How does time decide what to keep?
Some people live a hundred years, I read about an old man who went Skydiving on his 100th!
Then there are the people time takes early, a father, mother, sister, brother or friend.
Time it seems has been on my mind constantly,
Time for bills
Time for Work
No time to hang out with friends
No time seeing the guy i'm dating
No time it seems to sign up for school
Some people aren't worried about time, they are or in school or dont care about it. They show up late for work, some are even early start their shift.
Time is so different with some people.
So I've been dating this guy for nearly a month now, (well techinically longer because we met a while back online but recently the relationship has progressed.)
This may be too personal to blog about...But saying that doesn't really matter I guess, because I need to get it out of my head.
So me and this guy have been going on dates, having fun. He drives down to see me, I go up and see him. We laugh, we play, we read, walk, flirt, watch movies, eat, read more. But then there is always a TIME when one of us has to leave.
Work in the morning
Busy with school
not enough time.
He told me he Loved me, which I was thrilled about because you know what.. I Love him too, He is everything I wanted in a man and it took meeting him to figure EXACTLY what that was. If there was ever a dream guy.. it'd be him.. hands down.
I shouldn't even be mentioning him because I swear im cursed, I finally talk about a guy I like on here and then things go sour. Things are different with him though, I can feel it.. if that makes sense. I can tell that he isn't some mistake that I am going to add to the list. He cares about me, he gets my jokes, laughs at me when my jokes aren't funny. Tells me i'm gorgeous when i'm feeling down about myself. Oh and he honestly loves every single thing about me that I want to change, inside and out. I feel safe when I'm with him, though at times I can be a bit quiet.. he is just so intelligent and I feel like sometimes I can't reach him because he is on this different level.
I Love talking to him, About him,
I Love the way he looks at me, watching me, watching him.
He is always picking my brain which I love because most my deep thoughts are internal, though most of you get to see them neatly...(or uneatly) Sprawled across the page as the letters are leaving my mind.
Some days he texts, calls and sends pictures all day. Letting me know that he's thinking about me,
then some days I go 2 days without hearing from him.
He says we aren't offcial, that he and I get to date other guys. He doesn't want to be boyfriends right now, which I'm okay with.
I do get jealous from time to time when I think he is with other guys, but it is something I will have to get over, knowing that I over think EVERYTHING anyway...
I haven't wanted to Be with anyone since the day he told me he loved me, I just turn the guys down because I really want him and him only. I do slip up from time to time, at parties kissing guys because they are there...which sounds terrible but...ah well right?
I just miss him.
He might be getting a job down in Vegas for the summer, maybe longer. The trips a bit further then now, I'm wondering if my car could last driving there and back so frequently. If it breaks down... i'm done for, He says he is almost done living here, done with school . ready to be off at Grad school.. .
What happens then? If we aren't offcial.. does our Dating Fling go to ruin, knowing he will no doubt meet someone the first month in Grad School.
Or is time to fragile to look ahead that far?
I have recently found a love for time-travel, mostly The Hourglass Door Series (by Lisa Mangum)
They are basically Twilight but instead of Vampires they are Time Travelers.
Knowing the future is risky and pesky because its always changing, One thing you do now could vastly effect the future.
My friend Lena at work was telling me about a book that crushing a mere butterfly set a chain of events forward in time to do some major damage, so that is my question.
Do I just enjoy every second I have with my guy, knowing he loves me, wants me.
Knowing too far ahead in the future could drvie you crazy becaues your either stuck waiting for it to happen or you know what is going to happen and you try and change it.
I think I will just try seeing thing one day at a time, treasure to moments I get to spend with him once a week,
and hope that the future is kind enough to let me have him just a little longer.
Well time for bed....
Night.
-nick
How come the times when we want something to end, like a bad birthday party or a visit from an Aunt. Time seems to stretch, you check the clock and the second hand slows to a stop. That every single moment your wanting it to end , the clock ticks sluggishly away, torturting you.
Then there are the times you want to to last, to freeze or stop. Times when you with someone you love or when you finally achieve something you tried for years.
How does time decide what to keep?
Some people live a hundred years, I read about an old man who went Skydiving on his 100th!
Then there are the people time takes early, a father, mother, sister, brother or friend.
Time it seems has been on my mind constantly,
Time for bills
Time for Work
No time to hang out with friends
No time seeing the guy i'm dating
No time it seems to sign up for school
Some people aren't worried about time, they are or in school or dont care about it. They show up late for work, some are even early start their shift.
Time is so different with some people.
So I've been dating this guy for nearly a month now, (well techinically longer because we met a while back online but recently the relationship has progressed.)
This may be too personal to blog about...But saying that doesn't really matter I guess, because I need to get it out of my head.
So me and this guy have been going on dates, having fun. He drives down to see me, I go up and see him. We laugh, we play, we read, walk, flirt, watch movies, eat, read more. But then there is always a TIME when one of us has to leave.
Work in the morning
Busy with school
not enough time.
He told me he Loved me, which I was thrilled about because you know what.. I Love him too, He is everything I wanted in a man and it took meeting him to figure EXACTLY what that was. If there was ever a dream guy.. it'd be him.. hands down.
I shouldn't even be mentioning him because I swear im cursed, I finally talk about a guy I like on here and then things go sour. Things are different with him though, I can feel it.. if that makes sense. I can tell that he isn't some mistake that I am going to add to the list. He cares about me, he gets my jokes, laughs at me when my jokes aren't funny. Tells me i'm gorgeous when i'm feeling down about myself. Oh and he honestly loves every single thing about me that I want to change, inside and out. I feel safe when I'm with him, though at times I can be a bit quiet.. he is just so intelligent and I feel like sometimes I can't reach him because he is on this different level.
I Love talking to him, About him,
I Love the way he looks at me, watching me, watching him.
He is always picking my brain which I love because most my deep thoughts are internal, though most of you get to see them neatly...(or uneatly) Sprawled across the page as the letters are leaving my mind.
Some days he texts, calls and sends pictures all day. Letting me know that he's thinking about me,
then some days I go 2 days without hearing from him.
He says we aren't offcial, that he and I get to date other guys. He doesn't want to be boyfriends right now, which I'm okay with.
I do get jealous from time to time when I think he is with other guys, but it is something I will have to get over, knowing that I over think EVERYTHING anyway...
I haven't wanted to Be with anyone since the day he told me he loved me, I just turn the guys down because I really want him and him only. I do slip up from time to time, at parties kissing guys because they are there...which sounds terrible but...ah well right?
I just miss him.
He might be getting a job down in Vegas for the summer, maybe longer. The trips a bit further then now, I'm wondering if my car could last driving there and back so frequently. If it breaks down... i'm done for, He says he is almost done living here, done with school . ready to be off at Grad school.. .
What happens then? If we aren't offcial.. does our Dating Fling go to ruin, knowing he will no doubt meet someone the first month in Grad School.
Or is time to fragile to look ahead that far?
I have recently found a love for time-travel, mostly The Hourglass Door Series (by Lisa Mangum)
They are basically Twilight but instead of Vampires they are Time Travelers.
Knowing the future is risky and pesky because its always changing, One thing you do now could vastly effect the future.
My friend Lena at work was telling me about a book that crushing a mere butterfly set a chain of events forward in time to do some major damage, so that is my question.
Do I just enjoy every second I have with my guy, knowing he loves me, wants me.
Knowing too far ahead in the future could drvie you crazy becaues your either stuck waiting for it to happen or you know what is going to happen and you try and change it.
I think I will just try seeing thing one day at a time, treasure to moments I get to spend with him once a week,
and hope that the future is kind enough to let me have him just a little longer.
Well time for bed....
Night.
-nick
Friday, May 13, 2011
Everybody Leaves
Okay, I was planning just talking about my favorite movie Suckerpunch.. but I would just like to whine for a bit if I could about my stupid living situation.
It can basically be broken down into two words, "Everybody Leaves"
For starters me and Britters moved out together and it was hilarious and fun, midnight Mcdonalds runs, 2 o Clock Walmart runs where we would have races in the handicapped chairs...A couple months in she decided that it was better for her to move home, rent free. That was the first let-down, I hoped that we could have gone on living like we had been, making my family where ever I could.
We had another roomate Dal, who was a decent roomate. Britters replaced herself with a random guy she found on Craigslist. Alex. He always stayed in his room, drank bottles and bottles of whiskey and was never willing to hang out or watch movies like I wanted all the roomies to be able to do. I was miserable.
Dal was constantly down and making me feel even worse about myself, one day I came home and Alex's stuff was gone. He texted me that he got a job and Salt Lake and needed to leave, ASAP.
I then went to Dal's room and his walls and room were bare, he also left me a text and just LEFT.
Dal took most of his stuff but I didn't care about the pots or pans or silverware, auto-can opener or water filter.. I just wanted to be able to wake up, be comfortable with the people in my house, go to dinners, make dinners, go to movies, hang out...
So I posted on Craigslist, Dal's friend Kayli got back to me about the room and moved in right away. I found a guy named Kenneth to fill the other room, I slowly felt like everything was okay again... Until a week later, after I helped moved things from Kenneth's old place he announced that he was moving out. So I posted on Craigslist again and got some pretty sketchy people....
Well the guy I had been seeings Ex needed a place.. and even though he was this nerdy weird guy I thought Id give him a chance.
He is a big gamer and he can get on my nerves at time...I just hope he doesn't screw me over.. He's already pushing my buttons but I guess I have to deal with it.. Beggers can't be choosers... but I say WHY THE HELL NOT. This isn't some college dorm, I can't move back home whenever I feel like. I would rot and die there.. I have to stay where I'm at.. even if that means I am broke most of the time.. I have to live life, I can't take the easy way out because that is just not an available option.
I started hanging out with Kayli and her boyfriend they cheered me up..But I just found out shes moving back to Salt Lake.. Another roomate who I thought would be there for me.. Gone..
Its just me and Kyle.. the gamer that I have nothing in common with, who brings strange men home and asked me to leave my own house. A guy who leaves on the air all day with windows open, or lights on when no ones home.. where is the person like me.. that will respect that this is my home... My safe place.. I guess it hasnt been that for a while..
I have really tried to be more postive, I'm dating a very amazing guy right now. We are offcial but I dont want anyone else.. I know that sounds stupid, i'll try not to jinx it by going into much detail but hes wonderful. I can say that I have some really great friends in my life right now that I KNOW aren't going anywhere.. its just hard trying to have a house and have so many people in and out of it.. Ah well, another month another adventure. I dont mean to sound Bi-polar about all of this but I guess typing it out has made me less angry.
I've decided i'm going to dedicate another blog post to SUCKERPUNCH, So look for it right after this one :)
-Nick
It can basically be broken down into two words, "Everybody Leaves"
For starters me and Britters moved out together and it was hilarious and fun, midnight Mcdonalds runs, 2 o Clock Walmart runs where we would have races in the handicapped chairs...A couple months in she decided that it was better for her to move home, rent free. That was the first let-down, I hoped that we could have gone on living like we had been, making my family where ever I could.
We had another roomate Dal, who was a decent roomate. Britters replaced herself with a random guy she found on Craigslist. Alex. He always stayed in his room, drank bottles and bottles of whiskey and was never willing to hang out or watch movies like I wanted all the roomies to be able to do. I was miserable.
Dal was constantly down and making me feel even worse about myself, one day I came home and Alex's stuff was gone. He texted me that he got a job and Salt Lake and needed to leave, ASAP.
I then went to Dal's room and his walls and room were bare, he also left me a text and just LEFT.
Dal took most of his stuff but I didn't care about the pots or pans or silverware, auto-can opener or water filter.. I just wanted to be able to wake up, be comfortable with the people in my house, go to dinners, make dinners, go to movies, hang out...
So I posted on Craigslist, Dal's friend Kayli got back to me about the room and moved in right away. I found a guy named Kenneth to fill the other room, I slowly felt like everything was okay again... Until a week later, after I helped moved things from Kenneth's old place he announced that he was moving out. So I posted on Craigslist again and got some pretty sketchy people....
Well the guy I had been seeings Ex needed a place.. and even though he was this nerdy weird guy I thought Id give him a chance.
He is a big gamer and he can get on my nerves at time...I just hope he doesn't screw me over.. He's already pushing my buttons but I guess I have to deal with it.. Beggers can't be choosers... but I say WHY THE HELL NOT. This isn't some college dorm, I can't move back home whenever I feel like. I would rot and die there.. I have to stay where I'm at.. even if that means I am broke most of the time.. I have to live life, I can't take the easy way out because that is just not an available option.
I started hanging out with Kayli and her boyfriend they cheered me up..But I just found out shes moving back to Salt Lake.. Another roomate who I thought would be there for me.. Gone..
Its just me and Kyle.. the gamer that I have nothing in common with, who brings strange men home and asked me to leave my own house. A guy who leaves on the air all day with windows open, or lights on when no ones home.. where is the person like me.. that will respect that this is my home... My safe place.. I guess it hasnt been that for a while..
I have really tried to be more postive, I'm dating a very amazing guy right now. We are offcial but I dont want anyone else.. I know that sounds stupid, i'll try not to jinx it by going into much detail but hes wonderful. I can say that I have some really great friends in my life right now that I KNOW aren't going anywhere.. its just hard trying to have a house and have so many people in and out of it.. Ah well, another month another adventure. I dont mean to sound Bi-polar about all of this but I guess typing it out has made me less angry.
I've decided i'm going to dedicate another blog post to SUCKERPUNCH, So look for it right after this one :)
-Nick
Saturday, April 16, 2011
I'm Back
Hello there,
I took a bit of a break from my blog, away from the negative thoughts that I constantly find myself wallowing in.
I have days where I think the world will collapse on top of me, some days I feel I can't breathe.
But there are days like today that make it okay, That I know that I'm so lucky to be where I am right now.
I have a very nice apartment, though at times it seems like its too much work because everything seems to be falling apart, I know that its the best I can do right now and I'm okay with it. I am talking to my Mom again, which is weird.
We don't touch the subject of being Gay, but we can talk and be cival with one another, which I think is both strange and great. I don't hate her anymore which I probably shouldn't have in the first place, I've realized dealing with people like her in the world, through my work or on the streets. I've realized that some people are just ignorant and stuck in their ways, and it's not my fault that I can't make them see that my lifestyle is normal. They have their life and I have mine.
I feel like i've somewhat grown a lot in the past couple months, I've dealt with personal struggles where my inner demons threatened to take over my life. I'm in a good place right now and for the first time in months i'm happy.
I've met some pretty great people working at the movie theater, people who have changed my opinions of people, people who have restored my faith in finding worthwhile people in this town. I don't see a lot of my old friends but I think about them almost every single day, I miss the old times.
I've met some amazing Men these past couple months, ones that make me realize what i've been missing. I like dating different guys, going to the mall or grabbing lunch or having dinner, I'm happy with being single.
Its funny to me that I can go weeks or months without a guy giving me a second look, but when one guy is interested, there are 2 or 3 more that suddenly are. I don't mean to sound stuck up or arrogant, but its weird to have a different types of guys interested in me.
I've found with this one guy I've gone on a couple dates with that I need to learn so much more then I have been, I need to sign up for college. Not to sound stupid but talking with him makes me feel dumb, only because of the big words and deep conversations. I am not getting down on myself but I've needed a good, worthwhile conversation, and with him its never-ending.
I've heard some rumors floating around Saint George about me, Which I find strange because I was once the "Gay Guy" that everyone was curious about because they have never heard of me, but it turns out that someone is spreading nasty rumors, and though I can't help it. I wish I could just set everyone straight on the matter, I was going to list the rumors on here and disprove them each, but I am not even wasting my time on them. People can think what they want about me, I know who I am. I know my self-worth.
I've been talking to this other guy and i've been reading his blog... let me tell you..its probably one of the most beautiful things i've ever read... I want my blog to be something that brings me people to tears, or helps someone realize something to help them in their life. I'm starting this blog as me, Nicholas Michael Irwin Goodman, no more hiding no more pretending.
I am me.
Thank you all for reading, I look forward to reading all of your blogs, I love catching up with each of you through your words, You all Inspire me to be better!
-Nick
I took a bit of a break from my blog, away from the negative thoughts that I constantly find myself wallowing in.
I have days where I think the world will collapse on top of me, some days I feel I can't breathe.
But there are days like today that make it okay, That I know that I'm so lucky to be where I am right now.
I have a very nice apartment, though at times it seems like its too much work because everything seems to be falling apart, I know that its the best I can do right now and I'm okay with it. I am talking to my Mom again, which is weird.
We don't touch the subject of being Gay, but we can talk and be cival with one another, which I think is both strange and great. I don't hate her anymore which I probably shouldn't have in the first place, I've realized dealing with people like her in the world, through my work or on the streets. I've realized that some people are just ignorant and stuck in their ways, and it's not my fault that I can't make them see that my lifestyle is normal. They have their life and I have mine.
I feel like i've somewhat grown a lot in the past couple months, I've dealt with personal struggles where my inner demons threatened to take over my life. I'm in a good place right now and for the first time in months i'm happy.
I've met some pretty great people working at the movie theater, people who have changed my opinions of people, people who have restored my faith in finding worthwhile people in this town. I don't see a lot of my old friends but I think about them almost every single day, I miss the old times.
I've met some amazing Men these past couple months, ones that make me realize what i've been missing. I like dating different guys, going to the mall or grabbing lunch or having dinner, I'm happy with being single.
Its funny to me that I can go weeks or months without a guy giving me a second look, but when one guy is interested, there are 2 or 3 more that suddenly are. I don't mean to sound stuck up or arrogant, but its weird to have a different types of guys interested in me.
I've found with this one guy I've gone on a couple dates with that I need to learn so much more then I have been, I need to sign up for college. Not to sound stupid but talking with him makes me feel dumb, only because of the big words and deep conversations. I am not getting down on myself but I've needed a good, worthwhile conversation, and with him its never-ending.
I've heard some rumors floating around Saint George about me, Which I find strange because I was once the "Gay Guy" that everyone was curious about because they have never heard of me, but it turns out that someone is spreading nasty rumors, and though I can't help it. I wish I could just set everyone straight on the matter, I was going to list the rumors on here and disprove them each, but I am not even wasting my time on them. People can think what they want about me, I know who I am. I know my self-worth.
I've been talking to this other guy and i've been reading his blog... let me tell you..its probably one of the most beautiful things i've ever read... I want my blog to be something that brings me people to tears, or helps someone realize something to help them in their life. I'm starting this blog as me, Nicholas Michael Irwin Goodman, no more hiding no more pretending.
I am me.
Thank you all for reading, I look forward to reading all of your blogs, I love catching up with each of you through your words, You all Inspire me to be better!
-Nick
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