People get sad when someone dies.
Some cry when a band breaks up,
A book series ending could be the end of the world to some.
A TV series,
A last embrace of a soldier before he's sent off,
Everything we know, cherish, and hope for comes to an end.
It is up to each and every one of us what we decide to do with the ending we are given.
Things didn't work out with JP,
I was always waiting, always wondering, hoping , wishing, looking up at the stars wishing he was there with me, kissing me, holding me.
I only got to see him once a month, if that. I don't want to tarnish is name at all, I truly care about him. But if he really wanted me, I mean as much as I wanted him. He would have made time for me, he would have proved to me that I was what he wanted.
We broke up before, that was very difficult, I was always wondering what would be happening to him, who he'd be with, how he was.
I finally gave in, wanting him back, needing him back. After our last talk a couple nights ago, i'm finally okay with letting him go.
I can't help but wonder what it would be like for us in the future, but all I know is that when we got back together, he didn't change for long. Always an arms length away.. I was tired of living a Half Life, which reminds me of( Half Life by Imogen Heap) look it up before continuing.
I took the end of the page to our story, feeling it crushing down on me, screaming at me to dwell on it, to linger on the last page and cry for all the time wasted or lost. I sat in my room and thought about all the lost things, all the darkness and emptiness that would follow, just when I thought it would consume me..
I turned the page.
Many people in life get to, what they think is the end of their story,
whether it be a death of a loved one,
Or a leap of faith into a lake,
Just when you think life is done with you when the darkness of the letter THE END are glaring at you, turn the page.
You'll find stories you never knew you had,
ones you could never even imagine.
Life is about taking chances, meeting people, laughing, making people laugh, hugging, kissing, mini-golfing, jumping from high places into a lake, midnight walks, late-night talks, morning coffee, frozen nitrogen yogurt (yeah..its real) . Live life every single day, be yourself, say things that are on your mind you wouldn't, have no regrets,
AND NEVER EVER Let the words THE END, Ever stop you from turning the page.
"Everything will be okay in the end, if its not okay... It's not the end"
Monday, November 14, 2011
Wednesday, November 2, 2011
Trying To Fix It
Everything seems out of my control,
Life swirls around me and I hold my breath, wait for the spinning to stop. For a moment hoping that I can get away from everything.
Voices.
People that I see, so many personal recordings in my head. A friend of mine told me tonight, that everytime he sees certain people, he thinks of a song.
Everyone has their own form of remembering people, a smell, a feeling, a song. Something that gets bound to that person.
I hear voices, memories, thoughts, laughter ideas, when I see someone I know I have a freeze-framed image, time and place of that person. It plays like a movie in my head, so fast you probably wouldn't be able to see. I wonder if that's normal.
What is normal? I've never seemed to make the cut, never strong enough, manly enough, feminine enough, talkative, too quiet, too shy, to brave, to flamboyant, not Gay enough.
Ever since I can remember, i've never fit in. I tried.
It seems that my way of thinking is far too different,
I'm always thinking, my mind is a fast-spinning machine.
Does he like me? Am I doing a good job? Why is that this way? Why does it happen like that? How long have they been together? Does she know how pretty she is? That shirt doesn't match, wonder if she knows.
There is always something is shooting around, but if you ask me what's on my mind, i'll draw a blank. Suddenly things go quiet, when it's time to redeem myself, from something stupid i've said or done before, and I screw it up.
I don't really fit in with the Gays,
I don't really fit in with the straight guys,
I don't really fit in with the girls,
I don't fit in with my family, most of the time
Where do I belong, the over-thinker. The one who is trying.
I've been told i'm different, that's a compliment, in a world of so much similarities, I like standing out the ways I do, its just frustrating.
I get so down sometimes, I literally feel like i'm suddenly in a small room and its filling with water.
It's getting higher, no door. All I can do is watching it fill in around me, burning me, filling past my mouth, screaming inside. Past my nose, stinging my nose, past my eyes, blurring them , I wait for it to consume me.
I feel hollow sometimes, I'll be standing at work, waiting for a text from a particular someone, waiting to matter again.
I feel like an empty shell, staring forward, stepping out of my body and looking around at my life for right now. Job that's not quite right, not quite challenging enough, when people talk to me I feel their voice echoing inside like the Tinman, hoping they don't hear.
I've lost so many of my friends, not being available enough, but when I am free, nothing goes on.
Timing seems to be working against me lately.
I work all day, come home. want to go out and nothing is happening, so I get ready for nothing, text around... nada..
but the day I've worked all day and I come \home and crash, I have texts inviting me to parties I can't go to because I work early, or I don't have a ride, or Gas.
I have to hope this is temporary.
Had a long talk with J.P.
I don't know why I ever complain about him, he is amazing. I just wish he had more time for me.
A simple text would put my mind at rest, I need to learn to trust people again. I want to move closer to him.. but i'm terrified.. what if I move and he still doesn't have time for me... What would I do then?
If I start school here then i'm still far away, away from his touch.
Haven't seen him in a month, the distance helps me to think of just ending things..but I tried that.. But I dreamt about him, I dreamt I was running, I would see his face everywhere, Every song was him. Every glance from a stranger, or the sunset. He was the stars, missing him is so hard. Missing every part of him...
My mind starts a frenzied storm when I think to much about him, wondering what he's up to. Wondering why i'm not important enough to make a trip down for lunch with, or call just because he wanted to hear my voice.
My mind is this locked vault, It makes me dizzy all the things I think about,
Blogging helps so much, helping me pour out a little of me, its so risky.. Letting people into your head should never be easy, typing this, letting my fingers tip tap at the keys, spelling out my thoughts isn't easy..
I know things will get better,
Things are okay, and sure I wonder about JP, but for now..I'm his. I just wish he would let me know how much he cares, i've tried to talk to him, we see affection on different levels.
I just want to be loved, to be missed, wanted, cared for , and treated right..
Phew.. I am tired..
Thank you for reading, it means alot.
-nick
Life swirls around me and I hold my breath, wait for the spinning to stop. For a moment hoping that I can get away from everything.
Voices.
People that I see, so many personal recordings in my head. A friend of mine told me tonight, that everytime he sees certain people, he thinks of a song.
Everyone has their own form of remembering people, a smell, a feeling, a song. Something that gets bound to that person.
I hear voices, memories, thoughts, laughter ideas, when I see someone I know I have a freeze-framed image, time and place of that person. It plays like a movie in my head, so fast you probably wouldn't be able to see. I wonder if that's normal.
What is normal? I've never seemed to make the cut, never strong enough, manly enough, feminine enough, talkative, too quiet, too shy, to brave, to flamboyant, not Gay enough.
Ever since I can remember, i've never fit in. I tried.
It seems that my way of thinking is far too different,
I'm always thinking, my mind is a fast-spinning machine.
Does he like me? Am I doing a good job? Why is that this way? Why does it happen like that? How long have they been together? Does she know how pretty she is? That shirt doesn't match, wonder if she knows.
There is always something is shooting around, but if you ask me what's on my mind, i'll draw a blank. Suddenly things go quiet, when it's time to redeem myself, from something stupid i've said or done before, and I screw it up.
I don't really fit in with the Gays,
I don't really fit in with the straight guys,
I don't really fit in with the girls,
I don't fit in with my family, most of the time
Where do I belong, the over-thinker. The one who is trying.
I've been told i'm different, that's a compliment, in a world of so much similarities, I like standing out the ways I do, its just frustrating.
I get so down sometimes, I literally feel like i'm suddenly in a small room and its filling with water.
It's getting higher, no door. All I can do is watching it fill in around me, burning me, filling past my mouth, screaming inside. Past my nose, stinging my nose, past my eyes, blurring them , I wait for it to consume me.
I feel hollow sometimes, I'll be standing at work, waiting for a text from a particular someone, waiting to matter again.
I feel like an empty shell, staring forward, stepping out of my body and looking around at my life for right now. Job that's not quite right, not quite challenging enough, when people talk to me I feel their voice echoing inside like the Tinman, hoping they don't hear.
I've lost so many of my friends, not being available enough, but when I am free, nothing goes on.
Timing seems to be working against me lately.
I work all day, come home. want to go out and nothing is happening, so I get ready for nothing, text around... nada..
but the day I've worked all day and I come \home and crash, I have texts inviting me to parties I can't go to because I work early, or I don't have a ride, or Gas.
I have to hope this is temporary.
Had a long talk with J.P.
I don't know why I ever complain about him, he is amazing. I just wish he had more time for me.
A simple text would put my mind at rest, I need to learn to trust people again. I want to move closer to him.. but i'm terrified.. what if I move and he still doesn't have time for me... What would I do then?
If I start school here then i'm still far away, away from his touch.
Haven't seen him in a month, the distance helps me to think of just ending things..but I tried that.. But I dreamt about him, I dreamt I was running, I would see his face everywhere, Every song was him. Every glance from a stranger, or the sunset. He was the stars, missing him is so hard. Missing every part of him...
My mind starts a frenzied storm when I think to much about him, wondering what he's up to. Wondering why i'm not important enough to make a trip down for lunch with, or call just because he wanted to hear my voice.
My mind is this locked vault, It makes me dizzy all the things I think about,
Blogging helps so much, helping me pour out a little of me, its so risky.. Letting people into your head should never be easy, typing this, letting my fingers tip tap at the keys, spelling out my thoughts isn't easy..
I know things will get better,
Things are okay, and sure I wonder about JP, but for now..I'm his. I just wish he would let me know how much he cares, i've tried to talk to him, we see affection on different levels.
I just want to be loved, to be missed, wanted, cared for , and treated right..
Phew.. I am tired..
Thank you for reading, it means alot.
-nick
Wednesday, October 26, 2011
What Will Make The Cut
I've written several posts now.. and every single time I go to press publish I erase it.
It seems too personal
'ƃuoɹʍ sləəɟ əɟıl ʎɯ
əpısdn uʍop puɐ spɹɐʍʞɔɐq ...
I feel lost, my words seem to be stuck.. lost inside
It seems too personal
'ƃuoɹʍ sləəɟ əɟıl ʎɯ
əpısdn uʍop puɐ spɹɐʍʞɔɐq ...
I feel lost, my words seem to be stuck.. lost inside
Wednesday, September 21, 2011
Dream Escape 2
My head is vibrating, my brain is like a humming bird shaking in my head. Impossible. My eye's stare straight ahead at the road,
I'm taking my brother to school and I drop him off no problem, there is a ton of construction and signs everywhere.
I need to get home.
There is two ways, the construction or a tunnel leading the long way into town, I don't remember it.
I get home, i'm in a hurry.. my sister is there she looks frazziled and rushed. She needs to get to school, she's late.
"The chain chaaaaain" I hear something about chains being sung from far away, I look outside and a group of men connected by barbed wire walk in unison down the street in front of my house, they are looking for something.
The barbed wire and chains that hold them together stretch loosely so they can move freely, even get several yard in front of eachother without a problem.
Something hits the door and there is screaming, me and my sister get into the car parked in the garage and open it.
"We will be safe at my school, they can't go there" My sister screams, still in her pajamas. She's sobbing and talking so fast she's not making sense. So we drive.
The roads are impossible , the radio cuts in and out "Hearing the cling clang of the chaaaain" and I look in the rear view mirror, they are moving at impossible speeds, weaving in and out of cars, slicing through bushes.
We take a turn and we head towards the tunnel its narrow and there is a bus crashed in the wall at the end, its covered in slices and has been sawed off.
"I have to tell you something I was talking about with Lindsay (our cousin)" She wipes her nose with a tissue and she sobs into it...
She started shouting and not making sense, I tried to calm her down and I parked behind the bus. I got out quickly and judged the space left between the bus and the road, no luck. I walked between the bus and tried to open the door, to see if I could drive it closer to the wall, if it still worked.
My sister got out and ran through the space of the bus and to the other side of the tunnel, a song came on from the bus,
"The cling and the clang of the chain, better watch it , Better look... the chain chaaaaaaiiiin" Always holding out the last word, giving me goosebumps. Crashing came from the opening of the tunnel, they were coming, and they had guns. A bullet hit into the window of my car, I looked around and my sister had ran to the full other side of the tunnel. I quickly followed my sister, not wanting to shout to draw the attention.
My eyes widened when I saw the destruction. Slashes and piled up cars blocked the road, I grabbed my sister who was screaming, trying to calm her down. What did she know, what happend...
The Chain group fire another shot and it barely misses, they are slicing up things trying to get to us. Another family is running out of the bus, I hadn't even seen them... The Chains surround them and as bad as it sounds, we use the distraction to get back to my car.
I've never backed up that fast before, We drive back through the construction, we get out and run to my brothers school.
Its different.
Its broken and damaged, the door is rusted and falling off. My sister runs off and before I can stop her she is running up the stairs, looking for a safe place.
There is a group of kids, they all dressed in clothes far too old for 2011. A girl smiled evilly at me, her sneer made me take a turn and run down the hallway, the 5 of them chased after me laughing.
"Your not safe" one said, she was wearing a short blue dress and her hair in an 80's up do.
They all cackled.
"They are coming for you, Mr."
"Ya hear that?"
"Time to go, I hear the cling clang of the chaaaaaaaain"
"Razor sharp and strong, chain chain chaaaain"
They sung at once, the harmony of it chilled every part of me..
I ran down the hallway into the classroom, they didn't follow all I could hear was the sickly sound of cutting metal , it screamed and moaned, or maybe it was people..screaming..
I got under a desk and I shut my eyes, this couldn't be happening...
The sound of chains got closer, then silence
I was afraid to look.
I felt a strong tap on my back, *tap tap* *tap tap* "Nick, come on its time to go get your sister she's at the school"
I sat up startled,
"Mom?" I looked around and I was on the couch, I had just fallen asleep for a second... She was just hear, I heard her, I felt her tapping on my back.
I pick up my phone and call her, sure that she is just hiding to scare me, but she answers and she's not even home...
I've been having weird dreams lately, the weird ones are usually day dreams,
It might not be scary to the reader but it was pretty scary for me..
-nick
I'm taking my brother to school and I drop him off no problem, there is a ton of construction and signs everywhere.
I need to get home.
There is two ways, the construction or a tunnel leading the long way into town, I don't remember it.
I get home, i'm in a hurry.. my sister is there she looks frazziled and rushed. She needs to get to school, she's late.
"The chain chaaaaain" I hear something about chains being sung from far away, I look outside and a group of men connected by barbed wire walk in unison down the street in front of my house, they are looking for something.
The barbed wire and chains that hold them together stretch loosely so they can move freely, even get several yard in front of eachother without a problem.
Something hits the door and there is screaming, me and my sister get into the car parked in the garage and open it.
"We will be safe at my school, they can't go there" My sister screams, still in her pajamas. She's sobbing and talking so fast she's not making sense. So we drive.
The roads are impossible , the radio cuts in and out "Hearing the cling clang of the chaaaain" and I look in the rear view mirror, they are moving at impossible speeds, weaving in and out of cars, slicing through bushes.
We take a turn and we head towards the tunnel its narrow and there is a bus crashed in the wall at the end, its covered in slices and has been sawed off.
"I have to tell you something I was talking about with Lindsay (our cousin)" She wipes her nose with a tissue and she sobs into it...
She started shouting and not making sense, I tried to calm her down and I parked behind the bus. I got out quickly and judged the space left between the bus and the road, no luck. I walked between the bus and tried to open the door, to see if I could drive it closer to the wall, if it still worked.
My sister got out and ran through the space of the bus and to the other side of the tunnel, a song came on from the bus,
"The cling and the clang of the chain, better watch it , Better look... the chain chaaaaaaiiiin" Always holding out the last word, giving me goosebumps. Crashing came from the opening of the tunnel, they were coming, and they had guns. A bullet hit into the window of my car, I looked around and my sister had ran to the full other side of the tunnel. I quickly followed my sister, not wanting to shout to draw the attention.
My eyes widened when I saw the destruction. Slashes and piled up cars blocked the road, I grabbed my sister who was screaming, trying to calm her down. What did she know, what happend...
The Chain group fire another shot and it barely misses, they are slicing up things trying to get to us. Another family is running out of the bus, I hadn't even seen them... The Chains surround them and as bad as it sounds, we use the distraction to get back to my car.
I've never backed up that fast before, We drive back through the construction, we get out and run to my brothers school.
Its different.
Its broken and damaged, the door is rusted and falling off. My sister runs off and before I can stop her she is running up the stairs, looking for a safe place.
There is a group of kids, they all dressed in clothes far too old for 2011. A girl smiled evilly at me, her sneer made me take a turn and run down the hallway, the 5 of them chased after me laughing.
"Your not safe" one said, she was wearing a short blue dress and her hair in an 80's up do.
They all cackled.
"They are coming for you, Mr."
"Ya hear that?"
"Time to go, I hear the cling clang of the chaaaaaaaain"
"Razor sharp and strong, chain chain chaaaain"
They sung at once, the harmony of it chilled every part of me..
I ran down the hallway into the classroom, they didn't follow all I could hear was the sickly sound of cutting metal , it screamed and moaned, or maybe it was people..screaming..
I got under a desk and I shut my eyes, this couldn't be happening...
The sound of chains got closer, then silence
I was afraid to look.
I felt a strong tap on my back, *tap tap* *tap tap* "Nick, come on its time to go get your sister she's at the school"
I sat up startled,
"Mom?" I looked around and I was on the couch, I had just fallen asleep for a second... She was just hear, I heard her, I felt her tapping on my back.
I pick up my phone and call her, sure that she is just hiding to scare me, but she answers and she's not even home...
I've been having weird dreams lately, the weird ones are usually day dreams,
It might not be scary to the reader but it was pretty scary for me..
-nick
Friday, September 16, 2011
Dream Escape
I'm falling.
I'm in a house.. A woman is there, and there's a man there, I'm moving, i'm rushing.
Pots and boxes everywhere... Where is my stuff, this isn't mine.. I need to get out.
The Man and Woman are yelling at a little baby, and I am wanting to look away, or help.. but I can't. The baby is sitting in a kiddie pool staring at them, not even old enough to understand.. He isn't upset, he is just staring and taking the verbal beating..
I rush upstairs and the room is familiar but I've never been, its big and white, boxes packed and pretty. I run into the bathroom and I think to myself "If all this clutter could be moved away"
So I open a door in the floor, and I shove everything in and it falls down, I feel rid of it at last.
But I glance down and there is a whole different room, so I jump down. Its so bright my eyes hurt and I look down at the toxic pool.. I see my things floating in it, and I wonder where I am.
I reach into the pool to get a piece of floating debris, a hand reaches up and tightly grips my wrist.. I jump and scramble back to the wall, I close my eyes and I open quickly, trying to escape. There is a woman, shes beautiful, long hair. She's a mermaid and she looks me up and down and smiles... "Can you help me clean this up?" she asks sweetly..
I feel bad for mucking up her place, I stand up and close my eyes.. I can clean this up easily.. and just like that I pick up the pool from the corner and a sheet of the toxic trash lifts up, revealing the water.. its purple and blue, swirled with all different colors.. I hold the muck and debate where to throw it.. She stands up , she sprouts legs and she walks over to the wall and opens a door.. The room darkens as a shadow of the ocean fills the door, perfectly cut out of the wall...
The water swells and hits the door where the invisible wall is the only thing from keeping it from crashing through the door...
"Will it be okay out there?"
"Who cares its not in here!" She giggles and takes it from me and throws it into the door... There is a sickly sound and I gasp as the bubble is broken and water is crashing through...
I scream as the black water shoots through the door...
And then I wake up.... The dream clings to the back of my eyes, The dark hue of the room feels like the blackness all over me.. I try to remember it but its leaving, I pull up my laptop and open up a random program.. spilling out anything I can before its gone... I'm good at triggers, I write things down the triggers things later..
Theres a woman, fish tail
Water is beautiful,
what have I done
who is the baby in the pool,
can I help
Packing moving
getting rid of something only to get it back later
There's a glimpse into what I dream about, it can be random, or emotional.. It can be meaningful or it can be some stupid thing like waiting in line for something all night..
I never know but I crave to dream, to escape.. to close my eyes and go to worlds I wouldn't see in the real world.. The real world is a lovely place.. but I wouldn't want to live there..
-nick
I'm in a house.. A woman is there, and there's a man there, I'm moving, i'm rushing.
Pots and boxes everywhere... Where is my stuff, this isn't mine.. I need to get out.
The Man and Woman are yelling at a little baby, and I am wanting to look away, or help.. but I can't. The baby is sitting in a kiddie pool staring at them, not even old enough to understand.. He isn't upset, he is just staring and taking the verbal beating..
I rush upstairs and the room is familiar but I've never been, its big and white, boxes packed and pretty. I run into the bathroom and I think to myself "If all this clutter could be moved away"
So I open a door in the floor, and I shove everything in and it falls down, I feel rid of it at last.
But I glance down and there is a whole different room, so I jump down. Its so bright my eyes hurt and I look down at the toxic pool.. I see my things floating in it, and I wonder where I am.
I reach into the pool to get a piece of floating debris, a hand reaches up and tightly grips my wrist.. I jump and scramble back to the wall, I close my eyes and I open quickly, trying to escape. There is a woman, shes beautiful, long hair. She's a mermaid and she looks me up and down and smiles... "Can you help me clean this up?" she asks sweetly..
I feel bad for mucking up her place, I stand up and close my eyes.. I can clean this up easily.. and just like that I pick up the pool from the corner and a sheet of the toxic trash lifts up, revealing the water.. its purple and blue, swirled with all different colors.. I hold the muck and debate where to throw it.. She stands up , she sprouts legs and she walks over to the wall and opens a door.. The room darkens as a shadow of the ocean fills the door, perfectly cut out of the wall...
The water swells and hits the door where the invisible wall is the only thing from keeping it from crashing through the door...
"Will it be okay out there?"
"Who cares its not in here!" She giggles and takes it from me and throws it into the door... There is a sickly sound and I gasp as the bubble is broken and water is crashing through...
I scream as the black water shoots through the door...
And then I wake up.... The dream clings to the back of my eyes, The dark hue of the room feels like the blackness all over me.. I try to remember it but its leaving, I pull up my laptop and open up a random program.. spilling out anything I can before its gone... I'm good at triggers, I write things down the triggers things later..
Theres a woman, fish tail
Water is beautiful,
what have I done
who is the baby in the pool,
can I help
Packing moving
getting rid of something only to get it back later
There's a glimpse into what I dream about, it can be random, or emotional.. It can be meaningful or it can be some stupid thing like waiting in line for something all night..
I never know but I crave to dream, to escape.. to close my eyes and go to worlds I wouldn't see in the real world.. The real world is a lovely place.. but I wouldn't want to live there..
-nick
Moving On
The last couple of weeks have been HELL
I don't really want to have a loooong whine fest about how I lost the apartment...
I got a roomie named Faith who was a bitch and a whole bunch of stuff happened, I got threatened and called faggot by her boyfriend's scary jail-friends. .and a bunch of other stuff happened that if you want to know detail just ask me..
We all got evicted, and I'm hoping my Landlord can re-rent the apartment so I don't owe her money each month, because technically I am still under contract... it really sucks.. So i'm stressed about money..
I moved back home, things are slightly better but not by much..
I can't stay here for more then a couple months..i'll die...
But I still have J.P. I am so in love with him!
I still screw up from time to time and I just home he knows How much I care about him...
Stressed about work.. but that's okay things will work out..
Just thought i'd give a shout out, i'm still fighting in life!
I'll post a longer post later...
Night!
I don't really want to have a loooong whine fest about how I lost the apartment...
I got a roomie named Faith who was a bitch and a whole bunch of stuff happened, I got threatened and called faggot by her boyfriend's scary jail-friends. .and a bunch of other stuff happened that if you want to know detail just ask me..
We all got evicted, and I'm hoping my Landlord can re-rent the apartment so I don't owe her money each month, because technically I am still under contract... it really sucks.. So i'm stressed about money..
I moved back home, things are slightly better but not by much..
I can't stay here for more then a couple months..i'll die...
But I still have J.P. I am so in love with him!
I still screw up from time to time and I just home he knows How much I care about him...
Stressed about work.. but that's okay things will work out..
Just thought i'd give a shout out, i'm still fighting in life!
I'll post a longer post later...
Night!
Sunday, September 4, 2011
Entertainment
Not sure why the title is what it is, maybe its because it was on my mind tonight.
I got off early from work and I was determined to have a good time tonight,
so I facebooked, texted and called friends to make plans.
Well as luck would have it, or I should say MY luck, no parties tonight.
Nothing newsworthy and exciting, then my phone rings and my old roomie/friend was calling, Dal.
I have blogged about him, in short, he was my roomate. Very negative at times, rude most of the time, stubborn and one of the funniest people I know.
When he first moved in he was nice, but distant. He would do his thing and the more I hung out with him, the more I liked him, which is dumb.. falling for a roomate, I knew this at the time.. But he was just so different.. almost.. broken even. And I wanted to help fix him, because behind all the snide comments or jokes there was someone who had been hurt a billion times, both by family and friends.
He pushed me away a lot, and sometimes he would randomly open up and we would talk, he is brutally honest, and I needed it.. However, some of the things he told me really upset me, apparently (since talking to him tonight) I haven't changed much.
I have this thing where if i'm hanging out with someone, i never know if they are bored and want to leave.. I've done it, ive been hanging out with someone and I think of ways I could leave, its rude,I know this but you can only take so much of certain people.
Anyway he told me I was a pushover, that I let people walk all over me, which kinda hurt because I am just a nice person, I admit, being too nice sometimes is bad because there are people who take advantage of that..and I've never been a person who looks for fights and fights back,
I just think things can be handled different ways, so hearing that kind of stung.. anyway, he taught me never to be sorry about anything, and the entire time I lived there I stopped saying sorry, it was like he was training me to be like him, which sometimes, he is awesome, he never takes crap from anyone , everyone likes him, but then again he has this thick shell.
You have to be hanging out with him, coaxing him to let his wall down, for him to actually show you who he is, and that is why I liked him so much, because on those rare occasions where I got to see the real Dal, I like it, I liked him. Well it didnt work out, I'd always be down when we were drunk.. and there were a couple things he said that hurt, that I am not sure he knew how much it did..
Either way, he moved out monthes and monthes ago, but hanging out tonight was just fun because I missed the good old times, the fun stuff we used to do, all his funny comments on movies or shows we were watching.. Back then he knew that I like him, and just ignored it, but after I got over him all those months ago, its actually fun hanging out with him, flirting it up and just the playfulness of it.
I've read his blog, its sad.. He seems like a very sad person, though he doesn't show it often..
I'm not down on myself ALL the time, i've actually gotten really good lately on not being so hard on myself over things, I've grown up in the couple monthes.. It seems with every roomie I learn a lesson, or experience a whole different type of person..
It just sucks working and trying to survive in life when I have roomates who are bored, or sleep all day or who start random drama at their work... I wish I could find nice roomates again, I've given up home.. Ive had at least 10 people in and out of my apartment, ranging from Gay, straight, girls, guys, drinkers, partiers, you name it..
I miss waking up and feeling like I was waking up to my own little family, where Brit or Kayli would be making breakfast, or Dal making oatmeal at a insane time in the morning before work. Coming home to Ken trying to put water in the fish tank, SOAKED with water because he cant figure the filter out. Watching movies with Alex, his crazy-ass comedies, quoting things with Kamika and staying up laughing our asses off talking, I have learned to stop trusting people so easily.. Like the roomate I have living with me now.. she is a drama causer, she is bad news..
Anyways, seeing Dal again brought up all the good times, and I really can't wait to hang out more,
me and J.P. are still doing great, though he's been distant due to family visiting and working... I still Love him, want him and need him.. But I hate the days where we barely talk, or he barely has time to text or video chat... he seems to be fine not talking for days but it drives in crazy.
I hope he knows how much I care about him, because I do. Sometime when we talk I just blank and I ahve nothing to say, then we hang up and I remember I wanted to ask him all these questions, or something to make him laugh.
Or I have something I really need to talk about and hes busy, then he calls and says "Im all yours"
and I blank again, I just hope he knows im not some bimbo.. Im not the smartest guy out there but I can have my moments of intelligence.
Oh and about the pushover thing I am pretty sure that I am getting better at standing up for myself, becaues i've learned that sometimes no one will be there to help you, and you have to rely on YOu and only you.. or... your screwed..
Well I will have to re edit this later because im tired.. I work early.. just wanted to get my thoughts down...
Thanks for checking up
-nick
I got off early from work and I was determined to have a good time tonight,
so I facebooked, texted and called friends to make plans.
Well as luck would have it, or I should say MY luck, no parties tonight.
Nothing newsworthy and exciting, then my phone rings and my old roomie/friend was calling, Dal.
I have blogged about him, in short, he was my roomate. Very negative at times, rude most of the time, stubborn and one of the funniest people I know.
When he first moved in he was nice, but distant. He would do his thing and the more I hung out with him, the more I liked him, which is dumb.. falling for a roomate, I knew this at the time.. But he was just so different.. almost.. broken even. And I wanted to help fix him, because behind all the snide comments or jokes there was someone who had been hurt a billion times, both by family and friends.
He pushed me away a lot, and sometimes he would randomly open up and we would talk, he is brutally honest, and I needed it.. However, some of the things he told me really upset me, apparently (since talking to him tonight) I haven't changed much.
I have this thing where if i'm hanging out with someone, i never know if they are bored and want to leave.. I've done it, ive been hanging out with someone and I think of ways I could leave, its rude,I know this but you can only take so much of certain people.
Anyway he told me I was a pushover, that I let people walk all over me, which kinda hurt because I am just a nice person, I admit, being too nice sometimes is bad because there are people who take advantage of that..and I've never been a person who looks for fights and fights back,
I just think things can be handled different ways, so hearing that kind of stung.. anyway, he taught me never to be sorry about anything, and the entire time I lived there I stopped saying sorry, it was like he was training me to be like him, which sometimes, he is awesome, he never takes crap from anyone , everyone likes him, but then again he has this thick shell.
You have to be hanging out with him, coaxing him to let his wall down, for him to actually show you who he is, and that is why I liked him so much, because on those rare occasions where I got to see the real Dal, I like it, I liked him. Well it didnt work out, I'd always be down when we were drunk.. and there were a couple things he said that hurt, that I am not sure he knew how much it did..
Either way, he moved out monthes and monthes ago, but hanging out tonight was just fun because I missed the good old times, the fun stuff we used to do, all his funny comments on movies or shows we were watching.. Back then he knew that I like him, and just ignored it, but after I got over him all those months ago, its actually fun hanging out with him, flirting it up and just the playfulness of it.
I've read his blog, its sad.. He seems like a very sad person, though he doesn't show it often..
I'm not down on myself ALL the time, i've actually gotten really good lately on not being so hard on myself over things, I've grown up in the couple monthes.. It seems with every roomie I learn a lesson, or experience a whole different type of person..
It just sucks working and trying to survive in life when I have roomates who are bored, or sleep all day or who start random drama at their work... I wish I could find nice roomates again, I've given up home.. Ive had at least 10 people in and out of my apartment, ranging from Gay, straight, girls, guys, drinkers, partiers, you name it..
I miss waking up and feeling like I was waking up to my own little family, where Brit or Kayli would be making breakfast, or Dal making oatmeal at a insane time in the morning before work. Coming home to Ken trying to put water in the fish tank, SOAKED with water because he cant figure the filter out. Watching movies with Alex, his crazy-ass comedies, quoting things with Kamika and staying up laughing our asses off talking, I have learned to stop trusting people so easily.. Like the roomate I have living with me now.. she is a drama causer, she is bad news..
Anyways, seeing Dal again brought up all the good times, and I really can't wait to hang out more,
me and J.P. are still doing great, though he's been distant due to family visiting and working... I still Love him, want him and need him.. But I hate the days where we barely talk, or he barely has time to text or video chat... he seems to be fine not talking for days but it drives in crazy.
I hope he knows how much I care about him, because I do. Sometime when we talk I just blank and I ahve nothing to say, then we hang up and I remember I wanted to ask him all these questions, or something to make him laugh.
Or I have something I really need to talk about and hes busy, then he calls and says "Im all yours"
and I blank again, I just hope he knows im not some bimbo.. Im not the smartest guy out there but I can have my moments of intelligence.
Oh and about the pushover thing I am pretty sure that I am getting better at standing up for myself, becaues i've learned that sometimes no one will be there to help you, and you have to rely on YOu and only you.. or... your screwed..
Well I will have to re edit this later because im tired.. I work early.. just wanted to get my thoughts down...
Thanks for checking up
-nick
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